And then...There is Hope

Our Precious Eunice

 I have been hiding in my darkest place and basically just living on survival mode. Three months ago our precious daughter Eunice went back home with our Lord.  One of my dear friends or more like one of my sisters in Love (I have been blessed with more than few of those angels) gave me a journal in which I started to write from the first weeks of this painful journey and I discovered that by expressing myself in writing was helping me cope with the daily struggle (at least some days) and it sort of calmed my anxiety down a tiny little bit, but even a small ray of light is enough when all you can see is darkness, anyway so I've decided to start this blog, the purpose is to share my heart out, honest and raw. To share my journey as a Mom and as a family, like I said it will also be a healing tool for me because it helps me cope, and who knows maybe along the road I'll get to touch one or two hearts, maybe it will get to someone traveling the same or a similar path than the one we unwillingly are on to get some comfort or support. 

I know I'm not writing about recipes or decor trends or anything fun like that, I'm writing about the ugly, stinky  and nasty truth of GRIEVING AND MOURNING the death of a child, my child, my precious child, my beloved princess Eunice. Writing about my experience wont be a walk on the park per say but, but what I want to accomplish is to write with love, hope and faith contrary to despair, sometimes this seems and feels impossible, unobtainable, its a challenge because yes I'm hurt, broken, mad, I'm human! I don't need to be fixed, approved or validated I just have to be embraced, I'm still gathering around the pieces of my own puzzle that are scattered all over with no order whatsoever, but I have to try it. I want to be reborn from the ashes like the phoenix, I want to be able to take this unexpected painful experience and let it reshape my heart, even if its broken into tiny pieces I want to create bridges between those pieces, for my family and for me, I want my two other precious children Yael and Ebe to feel loved, unconditionally loved despite the circumstances, I want that in the future when they look back into the storm they can see a Mom that was strong for them when they most needed, I want for them to treasure their memories and to hold on to faith even when they are hurt, confused and missing her sister, I want them to feel God's love and mercy.

I want to be the wife my husband finds comfort, understanding and peace, despite this tremendous experience had shaken us to the core I want to be brave, loving and supportive when he needs me, because he has been there for me through thick and thin. I know now that even in the broken version of ourselves we can let Love transform us again and again. 
 Grieving is hard work, there isn't a right or wrong way to do it, grief is unpredictable and it comes in waves huge relentless waves, it's like being on a roller-coaster, its simply like noting else you knew or experienced before, there is  not control  over your own grief a lot of the times or should I say most of the times indeed.
We all miss our baby like crazy we do and we will forever, I know I will feel this void in my heart until the day I take my last breath, but I also know we are becoming better at choosing or recognizing our intention to shift from the darkest places we have been and  become  resilient, to be survivors instead of victims of the painful circumstances that we are facing. I personally have discovered a new strength in me, is not peace nor closure, in fact I have accepted closure does not exist .Not for me. But strength a supernatural one that can only come from the grater power of our mighty God.
With strength and willingness my family and I have chosen that intention that I'm mentioning above, to honor our Eunice by putting our best efforts in living in the sunshine of her beautiful life on this earth and not in the shadow of our pain. 

Please comment and contribute to the blog, I encourage you to share your thoughts, books, songs, poems, quotes, other blogs related and feel free to share this blog also.

Much Love,

Claudia