Love, Fear, Grace and Courage...

Our Beautiful Eunice, Summer 2014

Finding Grace in Adversity and while experiencing a spiritual desert, some days feels like trying to extract water out of a rock, so many others are filled with defeat and want to throw in the towel-moments per say - for real! Then, out of nowhere something comes up, could be a call, a text with a power-uplifting message, could be my son Yael coming back from school giving me the "Grief TED Talk" of the day and saying "mom you need to keep going because there is only this life, there is only today so you better make it count" oh my child!  He is my rock on so many of those challenging days. Then there comes Ebe melting my heart with her hugs (she gives the best hugs in this house) and there it is; My day has a ray of light again, to top it up did I mention I have a true warrior by my side? Yes he is, my husband, although he is living the worst time of his life; He holds my tears and many times on my out-of-control moments he is by my side, keeping a promise we made in front of our precious Eunice at her hospital bed when we were living the most terrible nightmare of our life; We said we will pull each other out of the dark when we needed it. We both have kept that promise, the same way God is keeping his promises too, to hold us and be with us; 
His brokenhearted

 I will love and miss my daughter until my last breath on this earth, but to the last day I will also make it a mission to live by the light of love. The immeasurable love I have for her and my family, the love she gave me. There is not a day that I don't dig deep into my treasured memories, reminiscent of happier times and in there I find those beautiful moments and experiences we shared. I miss seeing her beautiful big deep black eyes, her tender smile, listening to her sweet voice, getting her beautiful face close to mine and planting a kiss on her nose, I miss having our coffee while talking about anything, cooking together, I miss all of her!  I miss and grieve for what will never be, today, tomorrow. I do.  loosing our precious Eunice has been the most painful excruciating experience my family and I have endured, but deep in my heart I know that I wouldn't for anything in this world trade my pain for not having the enormous gift of her presence in my life. The honor of being the Mother of such beautiful human being, the blessings of having shared almost 19 years with my precious daughter. Not having her at all in my life, in our life would have been our true tragedy, she transformed our hearts and this world is better because of her, my world is. That I know for sure. Her smile would brighten up an entire room, her kindness, sweetness, her gracefulness touched many lives, and reach out to many hearts. Our family is not the same, each of us is trying to pick up pieces of the life we had, and each of us is grieving at a different pace, sometimes we intertwine and other times we simply can't, but we know we are in harmony by the power of love, and love is stronger than grief. "Love comes before grief."  

 I have a grip on my faith and even though life would never ever be the same, I can be a different version of myself and in that new version I can be more compassionate, fully aware of what really matters in this life, love deeply because I know the power of this moment, hug more, because I know hugs comfort the soul, treasure the simple and the little things in life for they aren't that simple or that little, be vulnerable because there is strength and beauty in that, embrace pain, and imperfection and messiness because it is in imperfection where we find our true authentic self.  Eunice is with me, with us, in a different way, but always, always is with us; It Is her love and spirit that push me to confront my fears because I know fear is a reaction to the darkness we experienced but my quest is for courage because courage is a choice I have, and with courage I'm capable of finding grace even in the midst of storms. "Courage Dear Heart, Courage..."

C.

She is missing...

She is missing...I've been looking for her, that woman; The one that used to be happy most of the days, yes with the occasional bad hair morning but mostly with a life filled with blissful feelings, downs and difficulties just like we all experience but for the most part trying on a positive attitude most of the time.

I vividly remember she used to be excited abut weekends, running, trying new recipes all the time, watching her favorite TV series, reading a new book or enjoying a delightful evening over wine, tea or a good coffee on a zen moment, bonding with friends, feeding her mind and spirit by nurturing friendships, enjoying intense and exquisite conversations further that the surface forming bonds for life she called it, having a carefree evening with the family and finding joy in the simple things In life, those things we sometimes take for granted.

But I can't find her, she is at sea, drifted away and carried by the waves of grief, giant waves that come relentless and at times one after the other with no spare in between. 

Some days  I can start to see a glimpse of a new smile on her, a new hope being born as she holds her grip with all she has, to the today, only the today, there is no more because nothing is promised. To anyone. We just own this moment no more. The pain gets so physical she can feel it on her bones, the path in front of her isn't clear the view is blurry and the Dragons she is battling are huge and there are moments when she feels she can overpower them and finally become a thriving warrior just to realize the dragons are sometimes just asleep but they are still there. When she is alone and out of the noise of the world and the "normal" activities cease for the day, she goes and finds that intimate space, her space the one in which she can set the mask aside and be one to one with her most intricate self, no pretending, no expectations no questions to answer and no standards to meet, then she is dreaming about what it was and not longer is.

She is longing, yearning for glimpses of the eternal life, she is struggling to find firm land where she can catch a little bit of breath and plant her feet steady and stand strong. Her soul is pierced and wounded. It is changed.

Will it be forever?...She knows she has the magic powers, the sword that cuts the chains off the Dragons so she can set her spirit free, she also has a precious treasure...Possibilities that is, possibilities of a soul to be healed and hope and faith to be rebuilt in love, the love that comes from an eternal connection; The love she is surrounded with. She needs courage and maybe time to reconcile and take a hold of the treasure and let love be the ultimate price and the seal that will hold and guard the wound still, and love shall be the the vessel that will carry her to the promised and desired land where there is finally peace. At last. Or so she hopes.

Claudia