Ever After...

I recently was having a conversation with one of my dearest friends, she is also a bereaved Mom, we met almost a year ago at the Children Bereavement Center, where we visited in search of some solace after our precious daughters left this world leaving our families with the unimaginable task of reinventing a life without their physical presence.

Gaby said something that night that stayed glued to my mind, she said: "Maybe my daughter had those four chapters on her book of life"... Referring to her precious Zoe that had left this world back on September 2014 at the tender age of 4 years old. Then I thought of my Eunice, her book was almost nineteen chapters, nineteen beautiful, filled with love and meaningful chapters on this earth...though short, her life was and still is of impact to many, and one of my most precious treasures that I forever hold inside the warmth of my broken heart. This made me think; It does not matter if is one, two, twenty or eighty chapters, our lives are so precious and the impact that we have on the people that we come to share our life with, it is intrinsic as our souls interweave in the love we share and our lives are transformed as a result of that love, no matter the years, no matter the chapters.

Reflecting on this made me think of our lives as books, then I thought: My daughter leaving us when she was only 18, almost 19 years old left a monumental gaping hole in our lives, the impact of loosing her has been such a life altering event- for lack of a better expression- We felt that our family could crumble apart, the wounds and the daily feelings, the solitude of the heavy grieving taking a toll on one and each of us.

I know most likely I would never fully be able to recover, therefore my quest is for transformation, healing in the coexistence of deep pain and deep love; I also know the reality is, I have my own life to live, my own book of life, in which I've yet to write the rest of my story, the rest of my chapters in which I can honor my beloved Eunice by living fearless and loving fiercely.

When I look at the book of my life, I see chapters that are sad, others are bright and hopeful, when I get to the middle I could say I reach the pivotal point up until then, blissful chapters, raising a family, creating my most precious tender memories, probably a lot of my spiritual awakening happened also on those chapters, surely back then the cover pages looked as hard and strong as they come, soft and shiny...

Then after so many pages of those chapters in which the story was about crystallizing dreams, overcoming obstacles and conquering battles, it came...The beginning of the darkest chapters on my book of life, all I knew, changed forever, the pages turned almost grey and old from day to night, the covers also changed, they became covers with a timeworn look, like a book out of an ancient library, dusty, dark, maybe some soft spots remained as a sing of some hope...

These last pages have probably been written with blood, blood from the heart, the first ones are simply screams of disbelief and despair. As I've been writing in these dark chapters I've also notice the heart softens and it is here where I stop and think: How do I want the rest of my book to be?  I have an answer emanating from the depths of my soul; I want the words on my book to have hope, I wish for my chapters to be written with love, I want my chapters to inspire and to never write in them that I've given up, never.

In the the end I wish for my book to say a story of resilience, re-birthing from ashes and even though some chapters will surely be about my descend, I will also endeavor to write chapters about my rising, about creating bridges of hope and grace, even with my wounds and in the messiness of vulnerability. I want my book to show an existence of significance, authenticity and courage. I want my book of life to be about Love.

~The End~

Claudia