Finding My Truth

Something interesting has happened to me and my family since losing our daughter. Some old friends and even some family members have suddenly become strangers.  Some friends and newer friends have become family to us, and we keep meeting new friends that have opened their hearts to us in a very gracious manner. We have experienced first-hand sympathy, empathy and lack of both too, and you know what?  I'm so appreciative of all. 
Walking in the valley of grief is like walking in a unknown, unexplored territory every day, but  it is within that same valley that eventually I will find my way to a different state of happiness. I know when I write about about my journey I sound dramatic and intense and I know sometimes this gets to be too much for some people, pain is not a feeling we want to become familiar with, but it is as real as joy and happiness and I want to be real, honest, there is no way to sugarcoat my feelings. I'm getting to understand that it is perfectly fine to give myself permission to put my healing first, to be gentle with my soul and stop listening to the voices that says "do more", "you need to do this, or that'...  It is time for me to acknowledge that just for today I'm doing the best I can to cope and survive and that is enough. Just for today. 
 Absolutely nothing  can prepare you for loosing someone you love so deeply,  much less your own child. Our human logic tell us we the parents are to leave this world first, and I can assure you no matter how strong your faith in God is and how focus your perspective on the eternal life is, something like this would impact you. To the core. So I want to set the record straight and openly tell you a few things that will enlighten your perception of what really happens in the heart and mind of a bereaved mom (or dad)...What happens in my heart and mind for now.
I'm not OK with what happened or how it happened nor I will ever be, so don't think that by you telling me that I have to understand, and that " things happen for a reason"  something  magically will tweak on my brain to fix me. I'm not crazy nor sick, grief is a process and now I think of it as a lifetime companion. Remember?  The unknown valley I described before...Sure, I grieve with hope and in faith but our human nature can understand just so much, the rest is not meant to be revealed to us on this side of haven. The reality is someday we all get to experience grief in some way or another in this life.

Yes, I'm not the same person I used to be, how can I? Nor I intend to be.
Dr Gordon Livingston wrote:"To try to explain to people that this is the kind of loss that transforms you into a different person, that you will never be the same person you were before this happened, is almost impossible."

I have not giving up on living, but I wasn't given the choice to take on this new reality and it stinks. If you ask me "how I feel" I will be honest and tell you like it is, if I'm having one of those hard days I won't lie or pretend to be alright, one thing this experience has left on me is the desire to be more true to myself and others, not that I wasn't before but again, like I've told you in the beginning of this post  I'm learning to deal with my emotions and the perception from others, I'm learning to stop feeling bad about making people uncomfortable when they sense my pain, I'm trying to be an open book, I want my new and old friendships and relationships to be based in a reality of who I am, and if someone can't handle the new me, I wish them farewell. I won't sacrifice or devalue my experience and I won't let anybody take the validation of my pain away.
Yes I do smile, laugh, do my hair and makeup, work, can look great at times, carry on interesting, smart conversations that don't pertain to my loss, I don't have to look crappy to show you my pain, I don't have to prove it,  I carry it with me 24/7.  I have pity parties in which I'm the only guest. Don't worry you won't be invited to those...
Meaningless Platitudes don't work, things like, "you have to keep going because you have your other kids" (I'm aware of that) ", "Are you over the loss of your daughter yet? (Yes, I've been asked that and No I wont ever be. Period.) and the list goes on...The most helpful, honest support words have come in a form of a simple, "I'm here for you", 
"want to walk outside?"

This has been a rocky road, and I know there is so much to learn and I'm a work in progress but this life has a unique way of showing us the path, while we are here. I know one thing for sure, after I finish my race in this sometimes messy unfair but beautiful world, I will be able to look up and say, I didn't give up, because I won't. Even in the middle of this storm I will look for a new rainbow maybe even a “Eunicorn” at the end of it and for a ray of light. If there are shadows there has to be light too.

God's relentless mercy, Eunice's smile and bright spirit are leading my way forward. Always.

Much Love,

Claudia

Grief

                                                                          

Thinking about how grief has change my perspective and sensibility, how deeply my vulnerability can be at times on all aspects of my life  gets me to dig deeper into my feelings and really get to the root of some of the most intricate self-doubting questions that I've encountered.
I know that facing this fragile state and the reality of having lost my daughter -whom  along my other two children I love more than my own life- It is something that can potentially crush my soul to pieces in fact, in that regard I honestly feel that during  the first weeks of taking on this journey somehow my soul and spirit were crushed and for days and weeks I  felt as of this huge weight that I was  bearing was going to  eventually stop me from ever waking up literally!  And that sentiment isn't over yet, I still have unbelievable hard days in which I have to force myself out of bed,  put on my big girl panties and grab the day as it comes.
I know that feeling pain is an opportunity to grow spiritually, bringing goodness to myself and the people I love. While walking this path trying to merge the person I was before my loss with my new self is a day to day task, little by little I'm starting to make peace with the fact that I won't ever feel the blissful glory of being at the top of my mountain, life has taken a big turn and I'll have to adjust to that. I need to recreate happiness in a different canvas. A new canvas without my favorite creation or my favorite colors, one that eventually can be good enough for me.  I've started to think about the possibility of rebuilding myself so I can continue forward without letting go, because the spirit and the love of my amazing daughter Eunice will be with me forever. I'm still the mother of three amazing human beings, one of them is not physically with me, one of them I can not see the same way as I see the  other two. I will have to learn to navigate in the sea of grief while at the same time I set my being into reborn, looking into the realm of what it was and rescuing what it is possible to use in this new version of myself, resourcing to  love as the fuel, faith and hope as the spark and get myself going because there is no other option. Not for me. I really want to give it a try at this "Rebuilt " "Renew " thing. This does not mean I'm free from grief, oh no, that tag will stay with me for the rest of my life, imprinted in the deepest spaces of my heart but I want to challenge grief, I want to write my own chapters, my own story, redefine grief, make it work on my behalf and in my favor, to make grief no longer my enemy because it is not. Grief is an extension of love,  it is the price of love, and I love my daughter to pieces. Forever. 

Grief came to stay I guess, and it can. Under my own terms.

Love,

Claudia