Finding My Truth

Something interesting has happened to me and my family since losing our daughter. Some old friends and even some family members have suddenly become strangers.  Some friends and newer friends have become family to us, and we keep meeting new friends that have opened their hearts to us in a very gracious manner. We have experienced first-hand sympathy, empathy and lack of both too, and you know what?  I'm so appreciative of all. 
Walking in the valley of grief is like walking in a unknown, unexplored territory every day, but  it is within that same valley that eventually I will find my way to a different state of happiness. I know when I write about about my journey I sound dramatic and intense and I know sometimes this gets to be too much for some people, pain is not a feeling we want to become familiar with, but it is as real as joy and happiness and I want to be real, honest, there is no way to sugarcoat my feelings. I'm getting to understand that it is perfectly fine to give myself permission to put my healing first, to be gentle with my soul and stop listening to the voices that says "do more", "you need to do this, or that'...  It is time for me to acknowledge that just for today I'm doing the best I can to cope and survive and that is enough. Just for today. 
 Absolutely nothing  can prepare you for loosing someone you love so deeply,  much less your own child. Our human logic tell us we the parents are to leave this world first, and I can assure you no matter how strong your faith in God is and how focus your perspective on the eternal life is, something like this would impact you. To the core. So I want to set the record straight and openly tell you a few things that will enlighten your perception of what really happens in the heart and mind of a bereaved mom (or dad)...What happens in my heart and mind for now.
I'm not OK with what happened or how it happened nor I will ever be, so don't think that by you telling me that I have to understand, and that " things happen for a reason"  something  magically will tweak on my brain to fix me. I'm not crazy nor sick, grief is a process and now I think of it as a lifetime companion. Remember?  The unknown valley I described before...Sure, I grieve with hope and in faith but our human nature can understand just so much, the rest is not meant to be revealed to us on this side of haven. The reality is someday we all get to experience grief in some way or another in this life.

Yes, I'm not the same person I used to be, how can I? Nor I intend to be.
Dr Gordon Livingston wrote:"To try to explain to people that this is the kind of loss that transforms you into a different person, that you will never be the same person you were before this happened, is almost impossible."

I have not giving up on living, but I wasn't given the choice to take on this new reality and it stinks. If you ask me "how I feel" I will be honest and tell you like it is, if I'm having one of those hard days I won't lie or pretend to be alright, one thing this experience has left on me is the desire to be more true to myself and others, not that I wasn't before but again, like I've told you in the beginning of this post  I'm learning to deal with my emotions and the perception from others, I'm learning to stop feeling bad about making people uncomfortable when they sense my pain, I'm trying to be an open book, I want my new and old friendships and relationships to be based in a reality of who I am, and if someone can't handle the new me, I wish them farewell. I won't sacrifice or devalue my experience and I won't let anybody take the validation of my pain away.
Yes I do smile, laugh, do my hair and makeup, work, can look great at times, carry on interesting, smart conversations that don't pertain to my loss, I don't have to look crappy to show you my pain, I don't have to prove it,  I carry it with me 24/7.  I have pity parties in which I'm the only guest. Don't worry you won't be invited to those...
Meaningless Platitudes don't work, things like, "you have to keep going because you have your other kids" (I'm aware of that) ", "Are you over the loss of your daughter yet? (Yes, I've been asked that and No I wont ever be. Period.) and the list goes on...The most helpful, honest support words have come in a form of a simple, "I'm here for you", 
"want to walk outside?"

This has been a rocky road, and I know there is so much to learn and I'm a work in progress but this life has a unique way of showing us the path, while we are here. I know one thing for sure, after I finish my race in this sometimes messy unfair but beautiful world, I will be able to look up and say, I didn't give up, because I won't. Even in the middle of this storm I will look for a new rainbow maybe even a “Eunicorn” at the end of it and for a ray of light. If there are shadows there has to be light too.

God's relentless mercy, Eunice's smile and bright spirit are leading my way forward. Always.

Much Love,

Claudia