I know that facing this fragile state and the reality of having lost my daughter -whom along my other two children I love more than my own life- It is something that can potentially crush my soul to pieces in fact, in that regard I honestly feel that during the first weeks of taking on this journey somehow my soul and spirit were crushed and for days and weeks I felt as of this huge weight that I was bearing was going to eventually stop me from ever waking up literally! And that sentiment isn't over yet, I still have unbelievable hard days in which I have to force myself out of bed, put on my big girl panties and grab the day as it comes.
I know that feeling pain is an opportunity to grow spiritually, bringing goodness to myself and the people I love. While walking this path trying to merge the person I was before my loss with my new self is a day to day task, little by little I'm starting to make peace with the fact that I won't ever feel the blissful glory of being at the top of my mountain, life has taken a big turn and I'll have to adjust to that. I need to recreate happiness in a different canvas. A new canvas without my favorite creation or my favorite colors, one that eventually can be good enough for me. I've started to think about the possibility of rebuilding myself so I can continue forward without letting go, because the spirit and the love of my amazing daughter Eunice will be with me forever. I'm still the mother of three amazing human beings, one of them is not physically with me, one of them I can not see the same way as I see the other two. I will have to learn to navigate in the sea of grief while at the same time I set my being into reborn, looking into the realm of what it was and rescuing what it is possible to use in this new version of myself, resourcing to love as the fuel, faith and hope as the spark and get myself going because there is no other option. Not for me. I really want to give it a try at this "Rebuilt " "Renew " thing. This does not mean I'm free from grief, oh no, that tag will stay with me for the rest of my life, imprinted in the deepest spaces of my heart but I want to challenge grief, I want to write my own chapters, my own story, redefine grief, make it work on my behalf and in my favor, to make grief no longer my enemy because it is not. Grief is an extension of love, it is the price of love, and I love my daughter to pieces. Forever.
Love,
Claudia
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