Grieving and Grateful

It's hard to believe this was our second Thanksgiving Day that we went "through" without our Eunice physically present and yes I'm not saying we "celebrated" because contrary to some people's beliefs grief is not "on demand" emotion that you get to control and turn on & off as you please. And these days celebration is not really something I look forward to. Sigh...

This month marks 22 months and in 2 more months we will be living through the Second Year Anniversary.

My take: It does not get easier -another phrase I've been told countless times, I even believed it at one point- but no, on the contrary I feel it gets harder, almost everything is a daily reminder of the life I don't have like I used to, the one I long for and grieve for, I know this a raw statement  but I also know it's a true one. Today more than ever I owe to myself to feel, express and be genuine with my story, I get to chose that.

What it gets better is my ability to navigate grief as a part of me, an entangled, entwined part of me and with it I've become more resilient. I've also noticed that later I've been using more of my boundaries, see, while one experience the full swing effects of grief some other aspects of one self develop, change, we become a different version of ourselves, I feel this, as a defense mechanism to the outside world that seems to be ill equipped to handle grief sometimes.

As I'm mindfully preparing for the full blown emotions that I know will be my companions throughout this holiday season, I'm also taking time to reflect on the true gifts in life; They have nothing to do with a perfect decorated table, gift lists, decorated Christmas trees, lights, extravagant dinners etc, all of that is really nice, of course, I'm still the biggest foodie and retail therapy although expensive it is one to be enjoyed.

But the true gifts of life don't show comparison to all of the above, these come from the source; LOVE,  you experience them, you live them, you carry them with you, you share them, you can't buy them, because they are free!

So tonight as I read my post from one year ago, I see gratitude as one of the main allies in my journey, in fact I believe that is while in pain that gratefulness takes a deeper meaning, because we are pushed to look beneath the surface, beyond our sorrow and despair.

I still have a rocky road ahead but I want to walk in healing, I'm still a firm believer that life is not necessarily what happens to us, because let's face it, so many aspects of it are random events that no mater what, we won't be able to control, but there is always a choice in how we react or what we make out of our experiences in life, even the ones that breaks us to the core.

From around this time-Last year...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deeper inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Love,

Claudia 

The Cap and Gown...Graduation Day

Eunice's and Yael's Cap and Gown

Graduation day...For most families, a day of joy and celebration of the accomplishments of their beloved children, a milestone in their lives. 

Cherishing the time as hopeful hearts are looking forward to the bright future...

But the seemingly picture perfect is not a reality for some families, not in the same way, for some of us it is an emotional bittersweet day, one in which we feel our grief reaching peak levels, one in which we struggle for a balance as we battle to find a way to be able to feel the joy of such moments in spite of our grief. To be able to find  "The beauty in the ashes" like it is said. 

For me personally today is a day in which I feel so proud of my dear son: Yael, as he finishes this phase of his life, he is graduating from High School, he is filled with hope, he is driven, he is persistent and motivated to make the best of his life... and  and he is also grieving...in spite of having been through his most difficult time, he has built a gigantic sense of perseverance and resilience. 
Today is also a day that is marked as the day that I never got to see for my beloved daughter, Eunice, as she parted 5 months before graduating from High School, last year in January; there isn't a day that goes by that her beautiful spiritual presence is not present in my heart, but  there is also not a day that goes by that her physical presence isn't missed...Today as I was helping Yael to prepare the Cap and Gown for his graduation - the same Cap and Gown that we actually ordered for Eunice, on the same Friday that she left her physical body-  Yael (and we) felt that wearing it will be a way to honor his sister, that Cap and Gown had remained on its original package since last year, as the days were approaching and as the day unfolded I knew I would feel the vulnerability, I knew it, and I allowed myself to feel the pain, as I was thinking that she didn't get to wear it, she didn't get to see the light of that day, it did hurt, so much that words can't describe it, I felt sad and angry, drowned in grief. Sometimes I need to feel those emotions in order to be able to keep moving into healing, to be able to keep choosing life and true meaning. 
This crazy process takes us to the darkest places, with such force it takes us to places within ourselves that we wouldn't ever imagined, some moments we plunged into a grief wave then, suddenly we resurfaced to the softer, gentler waves, and is there where despite all the pain  we really become aware that Love is what keeps our grip into this life. 

Eunice's legacy keeps on going, I actively keep in search of rediscovering and evolving my own soul map and my true sense of purpose on this earthly realm (I believe we all have it) all she was in her physical existence and all she still is, remains with us, as I read on a article from a bereaved mom:

"We can continue to 'have' what we have 'lost', that is, a continuing, albeit transformed, love for the deceased. We have not truly lost our years of living with the deceased or our memories. Nor have we lost their influences, the inspirations, the values, and the meanings embodied in their lives."  (Lucy Hone)    

I truly believe that when we physically part away from someone we love so deeply, part of us goes with them and it is in the healing journey that we can find our way into that part of us that we lost, a way into our true, better, kinder, self.

Eunice's life impacted my life, her existence carved my being and my soul and I know she impacted many others, and she continues to do so, today as we keep celebrating Yael's achievements and milestones, I can't help but to think how amazingly proud Eunice would've been of seeing her brother accomplishing one more step, seeing him grow spiritually and seeing him becoming a fine young man, but I also know in my heart how Yael's life keeps being an  inspiration to us and to many others and how as he lives his own life, he also keeps finding  ways to honor Eunice, he keeps finding ways to incorporate parts of her legacy into his own journey, the legacy of the love they shared and keep sharing. 

Congratulations Class of 2016!

Congratulations dear son!



Love,
Claudia

I Survived

My Child died, I didn't...
Therefore I was left behind with my hands filled with dreams for her, therefore I feel, I feel all these raw sensations, I feel an Infinite, immense void; it can't be fixed, nor I want it to be fixed, it is the sacred space I hold for her existence, for her beautiful irreplaceable existence, there, I hold the  memories, the love and my hope of reuniting with her soul one day, it is the sacred space where pain and love intertwine in a forever dance.
Every day, this way of living is more familir to me, every day becomes more clear to me that I have a choice every morning, to say yes, to open my arms to life, this life, and see that she is in it, and yes I wouldn't, in a million years have chosen this path, but it came to be part of my story, her story; and that space now is mine, and hers. Forever.
It is carving my soul, my being.
I won't be over it, like people say. I don't want to. Why would I? She is my daughter and she will always be.

I'm human and as one, and from my deepest love inside my being I long and grieve for her, for the unwritten story of her; yet I know I have my own story to keep writing.
Please do not tell me good will come from It, or that there must be a good reason for my daughter not to be here. With me.
There is not one. It just happened.
Yes, I will keep living for both of us, yes I'll embrace my story and find enlightenment from the depths of my despair.
Don't tell me to be strong, I survived, I choose to keep living in spite of wanting to go with her when she took her last breath on this earth, I choose to be strong since then.
And I can choose again today, and tomorrow if tomorrow is given to me, I can choose...

Claudia Viniegra