Grieving and Grateful

It's hard to believe this was our second Thanksgiving Day that we went "through" without our Eunice physically present and yes I'm not saying we "celebrated" because contrary to some people's beliefs grief is not "on demand" emotion that you get to control and turn on & off as you please. And these days celebration is not really something I look forward to. Sigh...

This month marks 22 months and in 2 more months we will be living through the Second Year Anniversary.

My take: It does not get easier -another phrase I've been told countless times, I even believed it at one point- but no, on the contrary I feel it gets harder, almost everything is a daily reminder of the life I don't have like I used to, the one I long for and grieve for, I know this a raw statement  but I also know it's a true one. Today more than ever I owe to myself to feel, express and be genuine with my story, I get to chose that.

What it gets better is my ability to navigate grief as a part of me, an entangled, entwined part of me and with it I've become more resilient. I've also noticed that later I've been using more of my boundaries, see, while one experience the full swing effects of grief some other aspects of one self develop, change, we become a different version of ourselves, I feel this, as a defense mechanism to the outside world that seems to be ill equipped to handle grief sometimes.

As I'm mindfully preparing for the full blown emotions that I know will be my companions throughout this holiday season, I'm also taking time to reflect on the true gifts in life; They have nothing to do with a perfect decorated table, gift lists, decorated Christmas trees, lights, extravagant dinners etc, all of that is really nice, of course, I'm still the biggest foodie and retail therapy although expensive it is one to be enjoyed.

But the true gifts of life don't show comparison to all of the above, these come from the source; LOVE,  you experience them, you live them, you carry them with you, you share them, you can't buy them, because they are free!

So tonight as I read my post from one year ago, I see gratitude as one of the main allies in my journey, in fact I believe that is while in pain that gratefulness takes a deeper meaning, because we are pushed to look beneath the surface, beyond our sorrow and despair.

I still have a rocky road ahead but I want to walk in healing, I'm still a firm believer that life is not necessarily what happens to us, because let's face it, so many aspects of it are random events that no mater what, we won't be able to control, but there is always a choice in how we react or what we make out of our experiences in life, even the ones that breaks us to the core.

From around this time-Last year...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deeper inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Love,

Claudia