Grateful

Being grateful is one of the things that I like to put in practice in my life the most, it is also one of the things that I talked about with my children since they were very little, I've always told them to be grateful for the small blessings; the simple things in life as well as for the big ones. I really like for them to have a deep appreciation for everything in life and to make it a habit for them and always look for the silver lining even in the tough times, easier said than done right?  let’s face it being grateful is really easy when life is going great and smooth, when the wind is blowing in our favor and all in life is like big giant gift with a big bow on top, when life is smiling at us it is just so easy to smile back, but when for some unexpected reason even unfair you may think, when you have to adjust your sails then gratefulness takes a complete different meaning.  You see these days there are two aspects in my life that have become so precious to me more precious than ever before; faith and gratefulness, my faith is what keeps me going even in the hardest days when I’m ready to relinquish, when life feels too big for me and the silver lining appear to be getting slimmer by the minute and at times  just banishes completely. It is then when by the grace of God and by the gift of faith I begin to make the shift away from the pain, the heartbreaking  loss we've experienced and I surrender to a spirit of gratitude, and I see that even in the midst of our storm there are small and big mercies to be grateful for, as I close my eyes and count my blessings and all the acts of love that I'm grateful for, the daily miracles I witness when I am willing to open my heart; the love I get from my family, the unexpected unasked hug from Ebe and Yael when I most need it, the faithful love from my husband and his capacity to see beyond my breaking point where sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore but he can still see deep into my soul. The gift of having my Mom so close to me during the most painful time of my life showing me what strength looks like but with the tenderest love only she can offer to me.

The extraordinary good deeds people have done for us throughout this difficult time, we have received  so much love from the first moment we started this journey, we have been lifted, held and accompanied by our extended family, friends that have become family. Beautiful people that we didn't know before all of this happened and are now dear new friends to us, neighbors, coworkers from near and far, the love and support has been overwhelmingly and unconditionally given to us, the calls, prayers, heartfelt messages, flowers, cards, daily meals for almost two months after January 23, the beautiful sentiment in words of encouragement, all of that to me is as clear example of Love in action.  I feel blessed to have such wonderful people around us and  we are eternally grateful to each and every person that came to love us and keep on loving us in so many different ways.          

I can say that in my life I've experience most feelings in real depth;  Love, Joy, Hope, Faith, but I've also experienced disappointment, sadness and loss, a monumental loss, one that I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I realize now more than ever before that we are given the immeasurable beauty of life but at the same time we are exposed to the possibility of pain and sorrow, in one way or another one we all get to face the unpleasant but I know for sure the difference strive in changing the perspective and allow our wounds to transform us into better persons and let all the goodness be what define us, I know that while I'm alive, the best way to continue honoring my daughter's memory is to face the hurt head on, confront my fears and be graciously brave because I know that is exactly what she would've wanted for me.
"Eunice my precious girl with a strong and courageous heart, I'm forever grateful to God for having you as my daughter, you touched my life and so many others, our love is forever. I promise you baby I will never let you down".

Love,

Claudia

And then...There is Hope

Our Precious Eunice

 I have been hiding in my darkest place and basically just living on survival mode. Three months ago our precious daughter Eunice went back home with our Lord.  One of my dear friends or more like one of my sisters in Love (I have been blessed with more than few of those angels) gave me a journal in which I started to write from the first weeks of this painful journey and I discovered that by expressing myself in writing was helping me cope with the daily struggle (at least some days) and it sort of calmed my anxiety down a tiny little bit, but even a small ray of light is enough when all you can see is darkness, anyway so I've decided to start this blog, the purpose is to share my heart out, honest and raw. To share my journey as a Mom and as a family, like I said it will also be a healing tool for me because it helps me cope, and who knows maybe along the road I'll get to touch one or two hearts, maybe it will get to someone traveling the same or a similar path than the one we unwillingly are on to get some comfort or support. 

I know I'm not writing about recipes or decor trends or anything fun like that, I'm writing about the ugly, stinky  and nasty truth of GRIEVING AND MOURNING the death of a child, my child, my precious child, my beloved princess Eunice. Writing about my experience wont be a walk on the park per say but, but what I want to accomplish is to write with love, hope and faith contrary to despair, sometimes this seems and feels impossible, unobtainable, its a challenge because yes I'm hurt, broken, mad, I'm human! I don't need to be fixed, approved or validated I just have to be embraced, I'm still gathering around the pieces of my own puzzle that are scattered all over with no order whatsoever, but I have to try it. I want to be reborn from the ashes like the phoenix, I want to be able to take this unexpected painful experience and let it reshape my heart, even if its broken into tiny pieces I want to create bridges between those pieces, for my family and for me, I want my two other precious children Yael and Ebe to feel loved, unconditionally loved despite the circumstances, I want that in the future when they look back into the storm they can see a Mom that was strong for them when they most needed, I want for them to treasure their memories and to hold on to faith even when they are hurt, confused and missing her sister, I want them to feel God's love and mercy.

I want to be the wife my husband finds comfort, understanding and peace, despite this tremendous experience had shaken us to the core I want to be brave, loving and supportive when he needs me, because he has been there for me through thick and thin. I know now that even in the broken version of ourselves we can let Love transform us again and again. 
 Grieving is hard work, there isn't a right or wrong way to do it, grief is unpredictable and it comes in waves huge relentless waves, it's like being on a roller-coaster, its simply like noting else you knew or experienced before, there is  not control  over your own grief a lot of the times or should I say most of the times indeed.
We all miss our baby like crazy we do and we will forever, I know I will feel this void in my heart until the day I take my last breath, but I also know we are becoming better at choosing or recognizing our intention to shift from the darkest places we have been and  become  resilient, to be survivors instead of victims of the painful circumstances that we are facing. I personally have discovered a new strength in me, is not peace nor closure, in fact I have accepted closure does not exist .Not for me. But strength a supernatural one that can only come from the grater power of our mighty God.
With strength and willingness my family and I have chosen that intention that I'm mentioning above, to honor our Eunice by putting our best efforts in living in the sunshine of her beautiful life on this earth and not in the shadow of our pain. 

Please comment and contribute to the blog, I encourage you to share your thoughts, books, songs, poems, quotes, other blogs related and feel free to share this blog also.

Much Love,

Claudia