Tonight I'm reflecting on some words I wrote two years ago, as life keeps unfolding, I've not been very active when it comes to publishing on this blog, I still write a lot, I just keep a lot to myself. Tonight I felt compelled to share some of my deep thoughts and feelings, again I was reading the words below and I'm amazed that although time has passed, these words resonate in my heart as if I was writing them today, as I pause to observe this Third Anniversary of Eunice's demise, I can't help but to think about what gratefulness is, the many ways my life has been impacted when practicing it, and the positive effects that gratefulness has brought to my grieving journey...
"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deeply inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most, my family and friends.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"
Every time that life stops me on my tracks I go back to these words, my life has been far from easy and grief has long term effects, as it is connected to the love I share with Eunice, the pain is deep, and I know it will never go away, the longing and missing gets to be so heavy at times that I simply disconnect from all at once, some days my mind drifts away in reminisce to the treasured memories we, and I shared with Eunice.
My life is full of her, her photos, her art, her hand writing in cards, her cookie recipes, my Facebook memories although treasures to my heart, take my breath away when they come as reminders of what once was my blissful life.
I feel closer to her when I wear some of her personal things, I see her so much in Ebe, the more she grows up, the more I see the resemblance and I can't help it but to vividly remember Eunice when she was 6 years old and I was pregnant with Ebe, not knowing yet the gender of the baby I was carrying, Eunice came to me and she told me: "Mom I know it will be a baby girl, I've already prayed and I've asked God for a baby sister and I've asked that she looks like me" of course we had Ebe and sure enough she and Eunice looked so much like each other.
Yael keeps on surprising me with this -beyond his age-perspective, this past year he decided to live abroad for the next 6 months or so which was another layer to process, he tells me how much he feels Eunice, how much of his life inspiration comes from the love and bond he shared with her.
I'm not sure if this feeling of anxiety, and inadequacy that is pronounced on special days like today, her Angelversary, her birthday, Christmas etc.- will ever evolve into something different, today at a 36 months mark of Eunice's demise it feels, intense, open, I can only surrender and embrace all of my emotions and let grief take charge, intense waves and days like these are the ones that leave my heart exhausted but they have also built a sense of resilience in me that is hard to explain in words.
In recollection this past year was filled with more changes and challenges, but also filled with new hope, and joys, and I'm deeply grateful for that, in the midst of all there is this feeling, a stronger, bigger than me-sense of healing and faith that keeps pushing me forward, beyond my human understanding and capacity, I know that while I'm alive I can choose every day how I want to live my life, I've learned that no matter what, the sun will shine after the storm, I know so many good remains in this world, I'm grateful, because my heart although broken is still open to possibilities of a new day, I want to believe and keep believing that no matter what, if we hold our grip to the force of Love, life is worth living, with the pain, grief, all the shortcomings yes but also with all the gifts, lessons, joys, with the highs and lows, life is beautiful, it is, and for that clear perspective of the broad horizon that I visualize today -even when at times I can't see myself clearly- for that, today I'm deeply Grateful.
Eunice, today is one day closer to you!
Much love,
Claudia Miranda
No comments:
Post a Comment