I Survived

My Child died, I didn't...
Therefore I was left behind with my hands filled with dreams for her, therefore I feel, I feel all these raw sensations, I feel an Infinite, immense void; it can't be fixed, nor I want it to be fixed, it is the sacred space I hold for her existence, for her beautiful irreplaceable existence, there, I hold the  memories, the love and my hope of reuniting with her soul one day, it is the sacred space where pain and love intertwine in a forever dance.
Every day, this way of living is more familir to me, every day becomes more clear to me that I have a choice every morning, to say yes, to open my arms to life, this life, and see that she is in it, and yes I wouldn't, in a million years have chosen this path, but it came to be part of my story, her story; and that space now is mine, and hers. Forever.
It is carving my soul, my being.
I won't be over it, like people say. I don't want to. Why would I? She is my daughter and she will always be.

I'm human and as one, and from my deepest love inside my being I long and grieve for her, for the unwritten story of her; yet I know I have my own story to keep writing.
Please do not tell me good will come from It, or that there must be a good reason for my daughter not to be here. With me.
There is not one. It just happened.
Yes, I will keep living for both of us, yes I'll embrace my story and find enlightenment from the depths of my despair.
Don't tell me to be strong, I survived, I choose to keep living in spite of wanting to go with her when she took her last breath on this earth, I choose to be strong since then.
And I can choose again today, and tomorrow if tomorrow is given to me, I can choose...

Claudia Viniegra

Ever After...

I recently was having a conversation with one of my dearest friends, she is also a bereaved Mom, we met almost a year ago at the Children Bereavement Center, where we visited in search of some solace after our precious daughters left this world leaving our families with the unimaginable task of reinventing a life without their physical presence.

Gaby said something that night that stayed glued to my mind, she said: "Maybe my daughter had those four chapters on her book of life"... Referring to her precious Zoe that had left this world back on September 2014 at the tender age of 4 years old. Then I thought of my Eunice, her book was almost nineteen chapters, nineteen beautiful, filled with love and meaningful chapters on this earth...though short, her life was and still is of impact to many, and one of my most precious treasures that I forever hold inside the warmth of my broken heart. This made me think; It does not matter if is one, two, twenty or eighty chapters, our lives are so precious and the impact that we have on the people that we come to share our life with, it is intrinsic as our souls interweave in the love we share and our lives are transformed as a result of that love, no matter the years, no matter the chapters.

Reflecting on this made me think of our lives as books, then I thought: My daughter leaving us when she was only 18, almost 19 years old left a monumental gaping hole in our lives, the impact of loosing her has been such a life altering event- for lack of a better expression- We felt that our family could crumble apart, the wounds and the daily feelings, the solitude of the heavy grieving taking a toll on one and each of us.

I know most likely I would never fully be able to recover, therefore my quest is for transformation, healing in the coexistence of deep pain and deep love; I also know the reality is, I have my own life to live, my own book of life, in which I've yet to write the rest of my story, the rest of my chapters in which I can honor my beloved Eunice by living fearless and loving fiercely.

When I look at the book of my life, I see chapters that are sad, others are bright and hopeful, when I get to the middle I could say I reach the pivotal point up until then, blissful chapters, raising a family, creating my most precious tender memories, probably a lot of my spiritual awakening happened also on those chapters, surely back then the cover pages looked as hard and strong as they come, soft and shiny...

Then after so many pages of those chapters in which the story was about crystallizing dreams, overcoming obstacles and conquering battles, it came...The beginning of the darkest chapters on my book of life, all I knew, changed forever, the pages turned almost grey and old from day to night, the covers also changed, they became covers with a timeworn look, like a book out of an ancient library, dusty, dark, maybe some soft spots remained as a sing of some hope...

These last pages have probably been written with blood, blood from the heart, the first ones are simply screams of disbelief and despair. As I've been writing in these dark chapters I've also notice the heart softens and it is here where I stop and think: How do I want the rest of my book to be?  I have an answer emanating from the depths of my soul; I want the words on my book to have hope, I wish for my chapters to be written with love, I want my chapters to inspire and to never write in them that I've given up, never.

In the the end I wish for my book to say a story of resilience, re-birthing from ashes and even though some chapters will surely be about my descend, I will also endeavor to write chapters about my rising, about creating bridges of hope and grace, even with my wounds and in the messiness of vulnerability. I want my book to show an existence of significance, authenticity and courage. I want my book of life to be about Love.

~The End~

Claudia                                                          

                             

                                

Reminiscing

As I sat down next to my kitchen, staring at the space, the eerie quietness of the morning, reminiscing of years back and our story, our beautiful family story the one that no longer is, the one we have to reinvent, as quiet as the morning I just kept going back on and on to our last year Thanksgiving Day, I could vividly  remember Eunice helping me out with the cooking and baking cookies the day before Thanksgiving like we had opened a bakery, seriously! She was so detail oriented and between she and and Ebe had even marked the containers that we will use to put the different dishes we were preparing for the celebration, that Thanksgiving  day was so special and I remember she prepared with loving care a  pasta dish from one of her favorites restaurants in Town, she wanted to make her own version so together we had journey through Goggle and found the secret recipe for the "Chicken Rigatoni D" that she absolutely loved!
As with every special celebration the girls had set the table up and like I've always told them; "oh looks like a picture from a magazine" "Pinterest pin worth" they were so proud and I could not be prouder of my beloved daughters, and of course my beautiful boy Yael that like every year will go over the list of the dishes that he needed to have me cooked "for sure" so he could feel like Thanksgiving was complete.
We had dear friends over and we had an amazing time.


Although I did not grew up celebrating Thanksgiving -as in Mexico is not a tradition to do so- when we moved to the United States and as my kids were growing up, we started to celebrate it, this tradition became one of my favorites Holidays as I find it so meaningful, over the years we have had so many wonderful memories of those Thanksgiving Celebrations but for some reason last year was particularly special, and as it turned out to be also our last Thanksgiving Day that we were to celebrate all together as a family, we really didn't even imagine the size of the tragedy we soon were to face, we were oblivious of such devastation and the nightmare that will unfold just a couple of months ahead.

For this year as the week started, I knew it was not going to be an easy week to face I knew it.
A few weeks back I really didn't have an idea of what we were going to do, the whole thing about the upcoming Holidays is something that truly stinks, yes it does, when you have experienced this kind of loss, the holidays sort of make you want to escape to an island where the Grinch may have found his happily ever after...so you get the idea; I know this may sound dramatic but it really becomes the elephant in the room and I guess is up to every person and every family to discover what eventually will work for them; For me, I'm not there yet, it will be like almost all in my life lately; one day at the time, I'm gearing more towards short term, really short term planing.
So for this Thanksgiving my dear friend, kindly asked if we would feel motivated to share the day with them, our friends, they aren't only friends they are family to us and I know they can be with us even in our low moments, they can and I'm so grateful to them for that.
Thanksgiving day came, as much as I dreaded, the day arrived...it started calm but slowly as I started to work on the turkey ritual of every year, my tears started flowing down my face and they really didn't stop for hours, I disliked the day so much, I became so frustrated and mad as I was thinking my daughter should be there with me. Nowhere else but with me. With us, her family.
 I cried, I fought my demons, my grief dragons and I was exhausted but I knew we needed to find some light for the day, I promised to Eunice that I would not give up to my sadness and I that I would find strength, you see, the realty is it didn't matter how pissed I was, how unfair, and how awful it felt, it does not matter because this is our reality, this is it, I need to learn how to live a life in which I can find the balance between grieving and living, one in which light and dark can coexist as much as sadness and joy, so for that day, in the end we had a safe place to go, our family was there for us, we were embraced by them, loved by them, no fixing, no judgments just embraced and loved...As the night unfolded we had precious moments, we created memories, yes we felt the huge void in our lives of not having our precious Eunice, we remembered her so much, we shared our memories of her as we also shared tears, she may not be physically with us but she is always with us. She is, and that gives me solace to keep going even at the moments when all I want is for just one more instant  with her on this earth. One more hug, one more kiss.
One more...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deep inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most, my family and friends.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Claudia Viniegra

Love, Fear, Grace and Courage...

Our Beautiful Eunice, Summer 2014

Finding Grace in Adversity and while experiencing a spiritual desert, some days feels like trying to extract water out of a rock, so many others are filled with defeat and want to throw in the towel-moments per say - for real! Then, out of nowhere something comes up, could be a call, a text with a power-uplifting message, could be my son Yael coming back from school giving me the "Grief TED Talk" of the day and saying "mom you need to keep going because there is only this life, there is only today so you better make it count" oh my child!  He is my rock on so many of those challenging days. Then there comes Ebe melting my heart with her hugs (she gives the best hugs in this house) and there it is; My day has a ray of light again, to top it up did I mention I have a true warrior by my side? Yes he is, my husband, although he is living the worst time of his life; He holds my tears and many times on my out-of-control moments he is by my side, keeping a promise we made in front of our precious Eunice at her hospital bed when we were living the most terrible nightmare of our life; We said we will pull each other out of the dark when we needed it. We both have kept that promise, the same way God is keeping his promises too, to hold us and be with us; 
His brokenhearted

 I will love and miss my daughter until my last breath on this earth, but to the last day I will also make it a mission to live by the light of love. The immeasurable love I have for her and my family, the love she gave me. There is not a day that I don't dig deep into my treasured memories, reminiscent of happier times and in there I find those beautiful moments and experiences we shared. I miss seeing her beautiful big deep black eyes, her tender smile, listening to her sweet voice, getting her beautiful face close to mine and planting a kiss on her nose, I miss having our coffee while talking about anything, cooking together, I miss all of her!  I miss and grieve for what will never be, today, tomorrow. I do.  loosing our precious Eunice has been the most painful excruciating experience my family and I have endured, but deep in my heart I know that I wouldn't for anything in this world trade my pain for not having the enormous gift of her presence in my life. The honor of being the Mother of such beautiful human being, the blessings of having shared almost 19 years with my precious daughter. Not having her at all in my life, in our life would have been our true tragedy, she transformed our hearts and this world is better because of her, my world is. That I know for sure. Her smile would brighten up an entire room, her kindness, sweetness, her gracefulness touched many lives, and reach out to many hearts. Our family is not the same, each of us is trying to pick up pieces of the life we had, and each of us is grieving at a different pace, sometimes we intertwine and other times we simply can't, but we know we are in harmony by the power of love, and love is stronger than grief. "Love comes before grief."  

 I have a grip on my faith and even though life would never ever be the same, I can be a different version of myself and in that new version I can be more compassionate, fully aware of what really matters in this life, love deeply because I know the power of this moment, hug more, because I know hugs comfort the soul, treasure the simple and the little things in life for they aren't that simple or that little, be vulnerable because there is strength and beauty in that, embrace pain, and imperfection and messiness because it is in imperfection where we find our true authentic self.  Eunice is with me, with us, in a different way, but always, always is with us; It Is her love and spirit that push me to confront my fears because I know fear is a reaction to the darkness we experienced but my quest is for courage because courage is a choice I have, and with courage I'm capable of finding grace even in the midst of storms. "Courage Dear Heart, Courage..."

C.

She is missing...

She is missing...I've been looking for her, that woman; The one that used to be happy most of the days, yes with the occasional bad hair morning but mostly with a life filled with blissful feelings, downs and difficulties just like we all experience but for the most part trying on a positive attitude most of the time.

I vividly remember she used to be excited abut weekends, running, trying new recipes all the time, watching her favorite TV series, reading a new book or enjoying a delightful evening over wine, tea or a good coffee on a zen moment, bonding with friends, feeding her mind and spirit by nurturing friendships, enjoying intense and exquisite conversations further that the surface forming bonds for life she called it, having a carefree evening with the family and finding joy in the simple things In life, those things we sometimes take for granted.

But I can't find her, she is at sea, drifted away and carried by the waves of grief, giant waves that come relentless and at times one after the other with no spare in between. 

Some days  I can start to see a glimpse of a new smile on her, a new hope being born as she holds her grip with all she has, to the today, only the today, there is no more because nothing is promised. To anyone. We just own this moment no more. The pain gets so physical she can feel it on her bones, the path in front of her isn't clear the view is blurry and the Dragons she is battling are huge and there are moments when she feels she can overpower them and finally become a thriving warrior just to realize the dragons are sometimes just asleep but they are still there. When she is alone and out of the noise of the world and the "normal" activities cease for the day, she goes and finds that intimate space, her space the one in which she can set the mask aside and be one to one with her most intricate self, no pretending, no expectations no questions to answer and no standards to meet, then she is dreaming about what it was and not longer is.

She is longing, yearning for glimpses of the eternal life, she is struggling to find firm land where she can catch a little bit of breath and plant her feet steady and stand strong. Her soul is pierced and wounded. It is changed.

Will it be forever?...She knows she has the magic powers, the sword that cuts the chains off the Dragons so she can set her spirit free, she also has a precious treasure...Possibilities that is, possibilities of a soul to be healed and hope and faith to be rebuilt in love, the love that comes from an eternal connection; The love she is surrounded with. She needs courage and maybe time to reconcile and take a hold of the treasure and let love be the ultimate price and the seal that will hold and guard the wound still, and love shall be the the vessel that will carry her to the promised and desired land where there is finally peace. At last. Or so she hopes.

Claudia

                                   

                                                 

      

 

Finding My Truth

Something interesting has happened to me and my family since losing our daughter. Some old friends and even some family members have suddenly become strangers.  Some friends and newer friends have become family to us, and we keep meeting new friends that have opened their hearts to us in a very gracious manner. We have experienced first-hand sympathy, empathy and lack of both too, and you know what?  I'm so appreciative of all. 
Walking in the valley of grief is like walking in a unknown, unexplored territory every day, but  it is within that same valley that eventually I will find my way to a different state of happiness. I know when I write about about my journey I sound dramatic and intense and I know sometimes this gets to be too much for some people, pain is not a feeling we want to become familiar with, but it is as real as joy and happiness and I want to be real, honest, there is no way to sugarcoat my feelings. I'm getting to understand that it is perfectly fine to give myself permission to put my healing first, to be gentle with my soul and stop listening to the voices that says "do more", "you need to do this, or that'...  It is time for me to acknowledge that just for today I'm doing the best I can to cope and survive and that is enough. Just for today. 
 Absolutely nothing  can prepare you for loosing someone you love so deeply,  much less your own child. Our human logic tell us we the parents are to leave this world first, and I can assure you no matter how strong your faith in God is and how focus your perspective on the eternal life is, something like this would impact you. To the core. So I want to set the record straight and openly tell you a few things that will enlighten your perception of what really happens in the heart and mind of a bereaved mom (or dad)...What happens in my heart and mind for now.
I'm not OK with what happened or how it happened nor I will ever be, so don't think that by you telling me that I have to understand, and that " things happen for a reason"  something  magically will tweak on my brain to fix me. I'm not crazy nor sick, grief is a process and now I think of it as a lifetime companion. Remember?  The unknown valley I described before...Sure, I grieve with hope and in faith but our human nature can understand just so much, the rest is not meant to be revealed to us on this side of haven. The reality is someday we all get to experience grief in some way or another in this life.

Yes, I'm not the same person I used to be, how can I? Nor I intend to be.
Dr Gordon Livingston wrote:"To try to explain to people that this is the kind of loss that transforms you into a different person, that you will never be the same person you were before this happened, is almost impossible."

I have not giving up on living, but I wasn't given the choice to take on this new reality and it stinks. If you ask me "how I feel" I will be honest and tell you like it is, if I'm having one of those hard days I won't lie or pretend to be alright, one thing this experience has left on me is the desire to be more true to myself and others, not that I wasn't before but again, like I've told you in the beginning of this post  I'm learning to deal with my emotions and the perception from others, I'm learning to stop feeling bad about making people uncomfortable when they sense my pain, I'm trying to be an open book, I want my new and old friendships and relationships to be based in a reality of who I am, and if someone can't handle the new me, I wish them farewell. I won't sacrifice or devalue my experience and I won't let anybody take the validation of my pain away.
Yes I do smile, laugh, do my hair and makeup, work, can look great at times, carry on interesting, smart conversations that don't pertain to my loss, I don't have to look crappy to show you my pain, I don't have to prove it,  I carry it with me 24/7.  I have pity parties in which I'm the only guest. Don't worry you won't be invited to those...
Meaningless Platitudes don't work, things like, "you have to keep going because you have your other kids" (I'm aware of that) ", "Are you over the loss of your daughter yet? (Yes, I've been asked that and No I wont ever be. Period.) and the list goes on...The most helpful, honest support words have come in a form of a simple, "I'm here for you", 
"want to walk outside?"

This has been a rocky road, and I know there is so much to learn and I'm a work in progress but this life has a unique way of showing us the path, while we are here. I know one thing for sure, after I finish my race in this sometimes messy unfair but beautiful world, I will be able to look up and say, I didn't give up, because I won't. Even in the middle of this storm I will look for a new rainbow maybe even a “Eunicorn” at the end of it and for a ray of light. If there are shadows there has to be light too.

God's relentless mercy, Eunice's smile and bright spirit are leading my way forward. Always.

Much Love,

Claudia

Grief

                                                                          

Thinking about how grief has change my perspective and sensibility, how deeply my vulnerability can be at times on all aspects of my life  gets me to dig deeper into my feelings and really get to the root of some of the most intricate self-doubting questions that I've encountered.
I know that facing this fragile state and the reality of having lost my daughter -whom  along my other two children I love more than my own life- It is something that can potentially crush my soul to pieces in fact, in that regard I honestly feel that during  the first weeks of taking on this journey somehow my soul and spirit were crushed and for days and weeks I  felt as of this huge weight that I was  bearing was going to  eventually stop me from ever waking up literally!  And that sentiment isn't over yet, I still have unbelievable hard days in which I have to force myself out of bed,  put on my big girl panties and grab the day as it comes.
I know that feeling pain is an opportunity to grow spiritually, bringing goodness to myself and the people I love. While walking this path trying to merge the person I was before my loss with my new self is a day to day task, little by little I'm starting to make peace with the fact that I won't ever feel the blissful glory of being at the top of my mountain, life has taken a big turn and I'll have to adjust to that. I need to recreate happiness in a different canvas. A new canvas without my favorite creation or my favorite colors, one that eventually can be good enough for me.  I've started to think about the possibility of rebuilding myself so I can continue forward without letting go, because the spirit and the love of my amazing daughter Eunice will be with me forever. I'm still the mother of three amazing human beings, one of them is not physically with me, one of them I can not see the same way as I see the  other two. I will have to learn to navigate in the sea of grief while at the same time I set my being into reborn, looking into the realm of what it was and rescuing what it is possible to use in this new version of myself, resourcing to  love as the fuel, faith and hope as the spark and get myself going because there is no other option. Not for me. I really want to give it a try at this "Rebuilt " "Renew " thing. This does not mean I'm free from grief, oh no, that tag will stay with me for the rest of my life, imprinted in the deepest spaces of my heart but I want to challenge grief, I want to write my own chapters, my own story, redefine grief, make it work on my behalf and in my favor, to make grief no longer my enemy because it is not. Grief is an extension of love,  it is the price of love, and I love my daughter to pieces. Forever. 

Grief came to stay I guess, and it can. Under my own terms.

Love,

Claudia