01.23.18 The Third Year

Tonight I'm reflecting on some words I wrote two years ago, as life keeps unfolding, I've not been very active when it comes to publishing on this blog, I still write a lot, I just keep a lot to myself. Tonight I felt compelled to share some of my deep thoughts and feelings, again I was reading the words below and I'm amazed that although time has passed, these words resonate in my heart as if I was writing them today, as I pause to observe this Third Anniversary of Eunice's demise, I can't help but to think about what gratefulness is, the many ways my life has been impacted when practicing it, and the positive effects that gratefulness has brought  to my grieving journey...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deeply inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most, my family and friends.

I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Every time that life stops me on my tracks I go back to these words, my life has been far from easy and grief has long term effects, as it is connected to the love I share with Eunice, the pain is deep, and I know it will never go away, the longing and missing gets to be so heavy at times that I simply disconnect from all at once, some days my mind drifts away in reminisce to the treasured memories we, and I shared with Eunice.

My life is full of her, her photos, her art, her hand writing in cards, her cookie recipes, my Facebook memories although treasures to my heart, take my breath away when they come as reminders of what once was my blissful life.

 I feel closer to her when I wear some of her personal things, I see her so much in Ebe, the more she grows up,  the more I see the resemblance and I can't help it but to vividly remember Eunice when she was 6 years old and I was pregnant with Ebe, not knowing yet the gender of the baby I was carrying, Eunice came to me and she told me: "Mom I know it will be a baby girl, I've already prayed and I've asked God for a baby sister and I've asked that she looks like me" of course we had Ebe and sure enough she and Eunice looked so much like each other.  

Yael keeps on surprising me with this -beyond his age-perspective, this past year he decided to live abroad for the next 6 months or so which was another layer to process, he tells me how much he feels Eunice, how much of his life inspiration comes from the love and bond he shared with her.

I'm not sure if this feeling of anxiety, and inadequacy that is pronounced on special days like today, her Angelversary, her birthday, Christmas etc.- will ever evolve into something different, today at a 36 months mark of Eunice's demise it feels, intense, open, I can only surrender and embrace all of my emotions and let grief take charge, intense waves and days like these are the ones that leave my heart exhausted but they have also built a sense of resilience in me that is hard to explain in words.

 In recollection this past year was filled with more changes and challenges, but also filled with new hope,  and joys, and I'm deeply grateful for that, in the midst of all there is this feeling, a stronger, bigger than me-sense of healing and faith that keeps pushing me forward, beyond my human understanding and capacity, I know that while I'm alive I can choose every day how I want to live my life, I've learned that  no matter what, the sun will shine after the storm,  I know so many good remains in this world, I'm grateful, because my heart although broken is still open to possibilities of a new day, I want to believe and keep believing that no matter what, if we hold our grip to the force of Love, life is worth living, with the pain, grief, all the shortcomings yes but also with all the gifts, lessons, joys, with the highs and lows, life is beautiful, it is, and for that clear perspective of the broad horizon that I visualize today -even when at times I can't see myself clearly- for that, today I'm deeply Grateful.

Eunice, today is one day closer to you!

Much love,

Claudia Miranda 

Where there is Love, there is Life...Happy Birthday Eunice! 04/16

It's your birthday today, this year your special day falls in Easter Day, which is a day of celebration, honor and remembrance, the resurrection of Christ, his rising from death.
I kept going on and on in my mind that it's difficult enough to face another important date in the calendar without your physical presence, more so when is also a holiday, as I was trying to find the significance of today's meaning and how to celebrate your birthday, instead of drowning in the pain of not being physically together, I got beautifully reminded by some lovely friends  that today it's indeed a gift, a reminder of hope, an invitation to see beyond what's palpable and imminent, a clear view to the hope of the eternal life and a reminder that this earth is not my final home...
This will be your third birthday outside our earthly realm, it does not get easier,
see for me, the fact that I can't hold you, see you, listen to you, kiss you, does not erase the realty that you lived, that today 21 years ago you were born and your birth changed the course of my story forever, you marked the before and after for me, just as when you parted from this world, my life was and is divided by a monumental abyss, these two worlds in my life intertwine and collide, sometime in balance sometimes in complete chaos. I live in between these two worlds, I dance between them and sometimes I stumble and fall too, I spend long time recollecting memories and every day and in everything I do, I try to honor you, I take some steps forward and sometimes many steps backwards, but one thing I know, I would've chosen you over and over, even if I would've know that your existence will be shorter than mine, even if I would've know that I had to endure the pain of loosing you, I would not have change the glorious gift of your existence, sharing this life with you, along with your brother and sister, being your mom will always be the greatest honor and gift ever given to me.
Death doesn't take love away, love remains and anchors our soul to hope, love transcends it all, time and space are nothing for the extraordinary force that keeps us going and grounded even when we feel we can't continue.
So today, you may not be physically with me, but you are with me, and you will always be.
Today I celebrate your magnificent life, today I want for my soul to resurrect in Love, and live in healing for the rest of my existence.
Today I celebrate the miracle of your life that gave me the greatest gift ever; being a Mom for the first time, being your mom. Forever.

"We don't lose what we love, therefore where there is love, there is life".

Happy Birthday Princesa Hermosa! ❤️
Today is one day closer to you!

With infinite love for Eunice.

Mom.                                                                       

Love, Time and an Enchanted Place...

Time really is irrelevant when it comes to Love, so it's to grieving because grief is a direct connection to those we can not longer hold physically.
I've read somewhere that when you lose someone so dear and near to your heart time really becomes only a mere before and after, more so when is your own child the one missing from your tangible world...
So time has continued it's course, hence today the calendar marked 2 years that Eunice left the physical realm, and every cycle of 365 that falls on January 23th will mark one more year for the rest of my life; for me though it feels as if it has just happened yesterday.

 Honestly I could've mentally prepare and plan and find 1000 ways to honor her, but these days my heart feels more like just being present with my feelings, all of them.
As the morning went by and I started to receive heartfelt messages from friends and family I couldn't help but let myself drown in tears, in memories and let the full force of the waves of grief crash over and over.
Later in the day the four of us went out for a hike, I put on Eunice's sunglasses and one of her favorite bracelets that I gifted her a few years back that reads "sweet" -I always carry something that belongs to her with me-

 We had picked Enchanted Rock as our hiking destination because the proximity to town.
Initially I felt as if I had bricks on my feet, but as our hike progressed I thought: "We couldn't have chosen a better place to honor our beautiful Eunice" it's really an "Enchanted" magical and I believe even a sacred place, hiking up to the majestic gigantic pink rock is everything but easy, as I walked I related the effort to what it's like in real life, when we face tragedy, pain, heartache, sometimes we don't know what the next step will feel like, but we take it.
Sometimes we are in the company of others but other times it's only our shadow,

 As I could see the little water ponds, I thought of the many people that have been light to my path, oasis in the desert, and getting to the top was as emotional as it can be, but it was also an indescribable feeling of being near  God, the everything, the source, as the wind blew and my tears fogged my vision for some moments, I felt as if Eunice was there, I felt a sense of hope, gratitude and love, nothing can't take away the pain of not having her with us, but her love and the way she lived, her perseverance, kindness and determination even through difficult times has set the standard very high for this gal.

So today I vowed once again to continue living in the light of her beautiful spirit, to grieve but to keep letting the light of the magnificent Love we shared be the vessel on my journey, to live in healing. To live fully and fearless.


Much Love,

Claudia

Enchanted Ways

My two main anchors in life <3

Grieving and Grateful

It's hard to believe this was our second Thanksgiving Day that we went "through" without our Eunice physically present and yes I'm not saying we "celebrated" because contrary to some people's beliefs grief is not "on demand" emotion that you get to control and turn on & off as you please. And these days celebration is not really something I look forward to. Sigh...

This month marks 22 months and in 2 more months we will be living through the Second Year Anniversary.

My take: It does not get easier -another phrase I've been told countless times, I even believed it at one point- but no, on the contrary I feel it gets harder, almost everything is a daily reminder of the life I don't have like I used to, the one I long for and grieve for, I know this a raw statement  but I also know it's a true one. Today more than ever I owe to myself to feel, express and be genuine with my story, I get to chose that.

What it gets better is my ability to navigate grief as a part of me, an entangled, entwined part of me and with it I've become more resilient. I've also noticed that later I've been using more of my boundaries, see, while one experience the full swing effects of grief some other aspects of one self develop, change, we become a different version of ourselves, I feel this, as a defense mechanism to the outside world that seems to be ill equipped to handle grief sometimes.

As I'm mindfully preparing for the full blown emotions that I know will be my companions throughout this holiday season, I'm also taking time to reflect on the true gifts in life; They have nothing to do with a perfect decorated table, gift lists, decorated Christmas trees, lights, extravagant dinners etc, all of that is really nice, of course, I'm still the biggest foodie and retail therapy although expensive it is one to be enjoyed.

But the true gifts of life don't show comparison to all of the above, these come from the source; LOVE,  you experience them, you live them, you carry them with you, you share them, you can't buy them, because they are free!

So tonight as I read my post from one year ago, I see gratitude as one of the main allies in my journey, in fact I believe that is while in pain that gratefulness takes a deeper meaning, because we are pushed to look beneath the surface, beyond our sorrow and despair.

I still have a rocky road ahead but I want to walk in healing, I'm still a firm believer that life is not necessarily what happens to us, because let's face it, so many aspects of it are random events that no mater what, we won't be able to control, but there is always a choice in how we react or what we make out of our experiences in life, even the ones that breaks us to the core.

From around this time-Last year...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deeper inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Love,

Claudia 

The Cap and Gown...Graduation Day

Eunice's and Yael's Cap and Gown

Graduation day...For most families, a day of joy and celebration of the accomplishments of their beloved children, a milestone in their lives. 

Cherishing the time as hopeful hearts are looking forward to the bright future...

But the seemingly picture perfect is not a reality for some families, not in the same way, for some of us it is an emotional bittersweet day, one in which we feel our grief reaching peak levels, one in which we struggle for a balance as we battle to find a way to be able to feel the joy of such moments in spite of our grief. To be able to find  "The beauty in the ashes" like it is said. 

For me personally today is a day in which I feel so proud of my dear son: Yael, as he finishes this phase of his life, he is graduating from High School, he is filled with hope, he is driven, he is persistent and motivated to make the best of his life... and  and he is also grieving...in spite of having been through his most difficult time, he has built a gigantic sense of perseverance and resilience. 
Today is also a day that is marked as the day that I never got to see for my beloved daughter, Eunice, as she parted 5 months before graduating from High School, last year in January; there isn't a day that goes by that her beautiful spiritual presence is not present in my heart, but  there is also not a day that goes by that her physical presence isn't missed...Today as I was helping Yael to prepare the Cap and Gown for his graduation - the same Cap and Gown that we actually ordered for Eunice, on the same Friday that she left her physical body-  Yael (and we) felt that wearing it will be a way to honor his sister, that Cap and Gown had remained on its original package since last year, as the days were approaching and as the day unfolded I knew I would feel the vulnerability, I knew it, and I allowed myself to feel the pain, as I was thinking that she didn't get to wear it, she didn't get to see the light of that day, it did hurt, so much that words can't describe it, I felt sad and angry, drowned in grief. Sometimes I need to feel those emotions in order to be able to keep moving into healing, to be able to keep choosing life and true meaning. 
This crazy process takes us to the darkest places, with such force it takes us to places within ourselves that we wouldn't ever imagined, some moments we plunged into a grief wave then, suddenly we resurfaced to the softer, gentler waves, and is there where despite all the pain  we really become aware that Love is what keeps our grip into this life. 

Eunice's legacy keeps on going, I actively keep in search of rediscovering and evolving my own soul map and my true sense of purpose on this earthly realm (I believe we all have it) all she was in her physical existence and all she still is, remains with us, as I read on a article from a bereaved mom:

"We can continue to 'have' what we have 'lost', that is, a continuing, albeit transformed, love for the deceased. We have not truly lost our years of living with the deceased or our memories. Nor have we lost their influences, the inspirations, the values, and the meanings embodied in their lives."  (Lucy Hone)    

I truly believe that when we physically part away from someone we love so deeply, part of us goes with them and it is in the healing journey that we can find our way into that part of us that we lost, a way into our true, better, kinder, self.

Eunice's life impacted my life, her existence carved my being and my soul and I know she impacted many others, and she continues to do so, today as we keep celebrating Yael's achievements and milestones, I can't help but to think how amazingly proud Eunice would've been of seeing her brother accomplishing one more step, seeing him grow spiritually and seeing him becoming a fine young man, but I also know in my heart how Yael's life keeps being an  inspiration to us and to many others and how as he lives his own life, he also keeps finding  ways to honor Eunice, he keeps finding ways to incorporate parts of her legacy into his own journey, the legacy of the love they shared and keep sharing. 

Congratulations Class of 2016!

Congratulations dear son!



Love,
Claudia

I Survived

My Child died, I didn't...
Therefore I was left behind with my hands filled with dreams for her, therefore I feel, I feel all these raw sensations, I feel an Infinite, immense void; it can't be fixed, nor I want it to be fixed, it is the sacred space I hold for her existence, for her beautiful irreplaceable existence, there, I hold the  memories, the love and my hope of reuniting with her soul one day, it is the sacred space where pain and love intertwine in a forever dance.
Every day, this way of living is more familir to me, every day becomes more clear to me that I have a choice every morning, to say yes, to open my arms to life, this life, and see that she is in it, and yes I wouldn't, in a million years have chosen this path, but it came to be part of my story, her story; and that space now is mine, and hers. Forever.
It is carving my soul, my being.
I won't be over it, like people say. I don't want to. Why would I? She is my daughter and she will always be.

I'm human and as one, and from my deepest love inside my being I long and grieve for her, for the unwritten story of her; yet I know I have my own story to keep writing.
Please do not tell me good will come from It, or that there must be a good reason for my daughter not to be here. With me.
There is not one. It just happened.
Yes, I will keep living for both of us, yes I'll embrace my story and find enlightenment from the depths of my despair.
Don't tell me to be strong, I survived, I choose to keep living in spite of wanting to go with her when she took her last breath on this earth, I choose to be strong since then.
And I can choose again today, and tomorrow if tomorrow is given to me, I can choose...

Claudia Viniegra

Ever After...

I recently was having a conversation with one of my dearest friends, she is also a bereaved Mom, we met almost a year ago at the Children Bereavement Center, where we visited in search of some solace after our precious daughters left this world leaving our families with the unimaginable task of reinventing a life without their physical presence.

Gaby said something that night that stayed glued to my mind, she said: "Maybe my daughter had those four chapters on her book of life"... Referring to her precious Zoe that had left this world back on September 2014 at the tender age of 4 years old. Then I thought of my Eunice, her book was almost nineteen chapters, nineteen beautiful, filled with love and meaningful chapters on this earth...though short, her life was and still is of impact to many, and one of my most precious treasures that I forever hold inside the warmth of my broken heart. This made me think; It does not matter if is one, two, twenty or eighty chapters, our lives are so precious and the impact that we have on the people that we come to share our life with, it is intrinsic as our souls interweave in the love we share and our lives are transformed as a result of that love, no matter the years, no matter the chapters.

Reflecting on this made me think of our lives as books, then I thought: My daughter leaving us when she was only 18, almost 19 years old left a monumental gaping hole in our lives, the impact of loosing her has been such a life altering event- for lack of a better expression- We felt that our family could crumble apart, the wounds and the daily feelings, the solitude of the heavy grieving taking a toll on one and each of us.

I know most likely I would never fully be able to recover, therefore my quest is for transformation, healing in the coexistence of deep pain and deep love; I also know the reality is, I have my own life to live, my own book of life, in which I've yet to write the rest of my story, the rest of my chapters in which I can honor my beloved Eunice by living fearless and loving fiercely.

When I look at the book of my life, I see chapters that are sad, others are bright and hopeful, when I get to the middle I could say I reach the pivotal point up until then, blissful chapters, raising a family, creating my most precious tender memories, probably a lot of my spiritual awakening happened also on those chapters, surely back then the cover pages looked as hard and strong as they come, soft and shiny...

Then after so many pages of those chapters in which the story was about crystallizing dreams, overcoming obstacles and conquering battles, it came...The beginning of the darkest chapters on my book of life, all I knew, changed forever, the pages turned almost grey and old from day to night, the covers also changed, they became covers with a timeworn look, like a book out of an ancient library, dusty, dark, maybe some soft spots remained as a sing of some hope...

These last pages have probably been written with blood, blood from the heart, the first ones are simply screams of disbelief and despair. As I've been writing in these dark chapters I've also notice the heart softens and it is here where I stop and think: How do I want the rest of my book to be?  I have an answer emanating from the depths of my soul; I want the words on my book to have hope, I wish for my chapters to be written with love, I want my chapters to inspire and to never write in them that I've given up, never.

In the the end I wish for my book to say a story of resilience, re-birthing from ashes and even though some chapters will surely be about my descend, I will also endeavor to write chapters about my rising, about creating bridges of hope and grace, even with my wounds and in the messiness of vulnerability. I want my book to show an existence of significance, authenticity and courage. I want my book of life to be about Love.

~The End~

Claudia