Ever After...

I recently was having a conversation with one of my dearest friends, she is also a bereaved Mom, we met almost a year ago at the Children Bereavement Center, where we visited in search of some solace after our precious daughters left this world leaving our families with the unimaginable task of reinventing a life without their physical presence.

Gaby said something that night that stayed glued to my mind, she said: "Maybe my daughter had those four chapters on her book of life"... Referring to her precious Zoe that had left this world back on September 2014 at the tender age of 4 years old. Then I thought of my Eunice, her book was almost nineteen chapters, nineteen beautiful, filled with love and meaningful chapters on this earth...though short, her life was and still is of impact to many, and one of my most precious treasures that I forever hold inside the warmth of my broken heart. This made me think; It does not matter if is one, two, twenty or eighty chapters, our lives are so precious and the impact that we have on the people that we come to share our life with, it is intrinsic as our souls interweave in the love we share and our lives are transformed as a result of that love, no matter the years, no matter the chapters.

Reflecting on this made me think of our lives as books, then I thought: My daughter leaving us when she was only 18, almost 19 years old left a monumental gaping hole in our lives, the impact of loosing her has been such a life altering event- for lack of a better expression- We felt that our family could crumble apart, the wounds and the daily feelings, the solitude of the heavy grieving taking a toll on one and each of us.

I know most likely I would never fully be able to recover, therefore my quest is for transformation, healing in the coexistence of deep pain and deep love; I also know the reality is, I have my own life to live, my own book of life, in which I've yet to write the rest of my story, the rest of my chapters in which I can honor my beloved Eunice by living fearless and loving fiercely.

When I look at the book of my life, I see chapters that are sad, others are bright and hopeful, when I get to the middle I could say I reach the pivotal point up until then, blissful chapters, raising a family, creating my most precious tender memories, probably a lot of my spiritual awakening happened also on those chapters, surely back then the cover pages looked as hard and strong as they come, soft and shiny...

Then after so many pages of those chapters in which the story was about crystallizing dreams, overcoming obstacles and conquering battles, it came...The beginning of the darkest chapters on my book of life, all I knew, changed forever, the pages turned almost grey and old from day to night, the covers also changed, they became covers with a timeworn look, like a book out of an ancient library, dusty, dark, maybe some soft spots remained as a sing of some hope...

These last pages have probably been written with blood, blood from the heart, the first ones are simply screams of disbelief and despair. As I've been writing in these dark chapters I've also notice the heart softens and it is here where I stop and think: How do I want the rest of my book to be?  I have an answer emanating from the depths of my soul; I want the words on my book to have hope, I wish for my chapters to be written with love, I want my chapters to inspire and to never write in them that I've given up, never.

In the the end I wish for my book to say a story of resilience, re-birthing from ashes and even though some chapters will surely be about my descend, I will also endeavor to write chapters about my rising, about creating bridges of hope and grace, even with my wounds and in the messiness of vulnerability. I want my book to show an existence of significance, authenticity and courage. I want my book of life to be about Love.

~The End~

Claudia                                                          

                             

                                

Reminiscing

As I sat down next to my kitchen, staring at the space, the eerie quietness of the morning, reminiscing of years back and our story, our beautiful family story the one that no longer is, the one we have to reinvent, as quiet as the morning I just kept going back on and on to our last year Thanksgiving Day, I could vividly  remember Eunice helping me out with the cooking and baking cookies the day before Thanksgiving like we had opened a bakery, seriously! She was so detail oriented and between she and and Ebe had even marked the containers that we will use to put the different dishes we were preparing for the celebration, that Thanksgiving  day was so special and I remember she prepared with loving care a  pasta dish from one of her favorites restaurants in Town, she wanted to make her own version so together we had journey through Goggle and found the secret recipe for the "Chicken Rigatoni D" that she absolutely loved!
As with every special celebration the girls had set the table up and like I've always told them; "oh looks like a picture from a magazine" "Pinterest pin worth" they were so proud and I could not be prouder of my beloved daughters, and of course my beautiful boy Yael that like every year will go over the list of the dishes that he needed to have me cooked "for sure" so he could feel like Thanksgiving was complete.
We had dear friends over and we had an amazing time.


Although I did not grew up celebrating Thanksgiving -as in Mexico is not a tradition to do so- when we moved to the United States and as my kids were growing up, we started to celebrate it, this tradition became one of my favorites Holidays as I find it so meaningful, over the years we have had so many wonderful memories of those Thanksgiving Celebrations but for some reason last year was particularly special, and as it turned out to be also our last Thanksgiving Day that we were to celebrate all together as a family, we really didn't even imagine the size of the tragedy we soon were to face, we were oblivious of such devastation and the nightmare that will unfold just a couple of months ahead.

For this year as the week started, I knew it was not going to be an easy week to face I knew it.
A few weeks back I really didn't have an idea of what we were going to do, the whole thing about the upcoming Holidays is something that truly stinks, yes it does, when you have experienced this kind of loss, the holidays sort of make you want to escape to an island where the Grinch may have found his happily ever after...so you get the idea; I know this may sound dramatic but it really becomes the elephant in the room and I guess is up to every person and every family to discover what eventually will work for them; For me, I'm not there yet, it will be like almost all in my life lately; one day at the time, I'm gearing more towards short term, really short term planing.
So for this Thanksgiving my dear friend, kindly asked if we would feel motivated to share the day with them, our friends, they aren't only friends they are family to us and I know they can be with us even in our low moments, they can and I'm so grateful to them for that.
Thanksgiving day came, as much as I dreaded, the day arrived...it started calm but slowly as I started to work on the turkey ritual of every year, my tears started flowing down my face and they really didn't stop for hours, I disliked the day so much, I became so frustrated and mad as I was thinking my daughter should be there with me. Nowhere else but with me. With us, her family.
 I cried, I fought my demons, my grief dragons and I was exhausted but I knew we needed to find some light for the day, I promised to Eunice that I would not give up to my sadness and I that I would find strength, you see, the realty is it didn't matter how pissed I was, how unfair, and how awful it felt, it does not matter because this is our reality, this is it, I need to learn how to live a life in which I can find the balance between grieving and living, one in which light and dark can coexist as much as sadness and joy, so for that day, in the end we had a safe place to go, our family was there for us, we were embraced by them, loved by them, no fixing, no judgments just embraced and loved...As the night unfolded we had precious moments, we created memories, yes we felt the huge void in our lives of not having our precious Eunice, we remembered her so much, we shared our memories of her as we also shared tears, she may not be physically with us but she is always with us. She is, and that gives me solace to keep going even at the moments when all I want is for just one more instant  with her on this earth. One more hug, one more kiss.
One more...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deep inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most, my family and friends.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Claudia Viniegra

Love, Fear, Grace and Courage...

Our Beautiful Eunice, Summer 2014

Finding Grace in Adversity and while experiencing a spiritual desert, some days feels like trying to extract water out of a rock, so many others are filled with defeat and want to throw in the towel-moments per say - for real! Then, out of nowhere something comes up, could be a call, a text with a power-uplifting message, could be my son Yael coming back from school giving me the "Grief TED Talk" of the day and saying "mom you need to keep going because there is only this life, there is only today so you better make it count" oh my child!  He is my rock on so many of those challenging days. Then there comes Ebe melting my heart with her hugs (she gives the best hugs in this house) and there it is; My day has a ray of light again, to top it up did I mention I have a true warrior by my side? Yes he is, my husband, although he is living the worst time of his life; He holds my tears and many times on my out-of-control moments he is by my side, keeping a promise we made in front of our precious Eunice at her hospital bed when we were living the most terrible nightmare of our life; We said we will pull each other out of the dark when we needed it. We both have kept that promise, the same way God is keeping his promises too, to hold us and be with us; 
His brokenhearted

 I will love and miss my daughter until my last breath on this earth, but to the last day I will also make it a mission to live by the light of love. The immeasurable love I have for her and my family, the love she gave me. There is not a day that I don't dig deep into my treasured memories, reminiscent of happier times and in there I find those beautiful moments and experiences we shared. I miss seeing her beautiful big deep black eyes, her tender smile, listening to her sweet voice, getting her beautiful face close to mine and planting a kiss on her nose, I miss having our coffee while talking about anything, cooking together, I miss all of her!  I miss and grieve for what will never be, today, tomorrow. I do.  loosing our precious Eunice has been the most painful excruciating experience my family and I have endured, but deep in my heart I know that I wouldn't for anything in this world trade my pain for not having the enormous gift of her presence in my life. The honor of being the Mother of such beautiful human being, the blessings of having shared almost 19 years with my precious daughter. Not having her at all in my life, in our life would have been our true tragedy, she transformed our hearts and this world is better because of her, my world is. That I know for sure. Her smile would brighten up an entire room, her kindness, sweetness, her gracefulness touched many lives, and reach out to many hearts. Our family is not the same, each of us is trying to pick up pieces of the life we had, and each of us is grieving at a different pace, sometimes we intertwine and other times we simply can't, but we know we are in harmony by the power of love, and love is stronger than grief. "Love comes before grief."  

 I have a grip on my faith and even though life would never ever be the same, I can be a different version of myself and in that new version I can be more compassionate, fully aware of what really matters in this life, love deeply because I know the power of this moment, hug more, because I know hugs comfort the soul, treasure the simple and the little things in life for they aren't that simple or that little, be vulnerable because there is strength and beauty in that, embrace pain, and imperfection and messiness because it is in imperfection where we find our true authentic self.  Eunice is with me, with us, in a different way, but always, always is with us; It Is her love and spirit that push me to confront my fears because I know fear is a reaction to the darkness we experienced but my quest is for courage because courage is a choice I have, and with courage I'm capable of finding grace even in the midst of storms. "Courage Dear Heart, Courage..."

C.

She is missing...

She is missing...I've been looking for her, that woman; The one that used to be happy most of the days, yes with the occasional bad hair morning but mostly with a life filled with blissful feelings, downs and difficulties just like we all experience but for the most part trying on a positive attitude most of the time.

I vividly remember she used to be excited abut weekends, running, trying new recipes all the time, watching her favorite TV series, reading a new book or enjoying a delightful evening over wine, tea or a good coffee on a zen moment, bonding with friends, feeding her mind and spirit by nurturing friendships, enjoying intense and exquisite conversations further that the surface forming bonds for life she called it, having a carefree evening with the family and finding joy in the simple things In life, those things we sometimes take for granted.

But I can't find her, she is at sea, drifted away and carried by the waves of grief, giant waves that come relentless and at times one after the other with no spare in between. 

Some days  I can start to see a glimpse of a new smile on her, a new hope being born as she holds her grip with all she has, to the today, only the today, there is no more because nothing is promised. To anyone. We just own this moment no more. The pain gets so physical she can feel it on her bones, the path in front of her isn't clear the view is blurry and the Dragons she is battling are huge and there are moments when she feels she can overpower them and finally become a thriving warrior just to realize the dragons are sometimes just asleep but they are still there. When she is alone and out of the noise of the world and the "normal" activities cease for the day, she goes and finds that intimate space, her space the one in which she can set the mask aside and be one to one with her most intricate self, no pretending, no expectations no questions to answer and no standards to meet, then she is dreaming about what it was and not longer is.

She is longing, yearning for glimpses of the eternal life, she is struggling to find firm land where she can catch a little bit of breath and plant her feet steady and stand strong. Her soul is pierced and wounded. It is changed.

Will it be forever?...She knows she has the magic powers, the sword that cuts the chains off the Dragons so she can set her spirit free, she also has a precious treasure...Possibilities that is, possibilities of a soul to be healed and hope and faith to be rebuilt in love, the love that comes from an eternal connection; The love she is surrounded with. She needs courage and maybe time to reconcile and take a hold of the treasure and let love be the ultimate price and the seal that will hold and guard the wound still, and love shall be the the vessel that will carry her to the promised and desired land where there is finally peace. At last. Or so she hopes.

Claudia

                                   

                                                 

      

 

Finding My Truth

Something interesting has happened to me and my family since losing our daughter. Some old friends and even some family members have suddenly become strangers.  Some friends and newer friends have become family to us, and we keep meeting new friends that have opened their hearts to us in a very gracious manner. We have experienced first-hand sympathy, empathy and lack of both too, and you know what?  I'm so appreciative of all. 
Walking in the valley of grief is like walking in a unknown, unexplored territory every day, but  it is within that same valley that eventually I will find my way to a different state of happiness. I know when I write about about my journey I sound dramatic and intense and I know sometimes this gets to be too much for some people, pain is not a feeling we want to become familiar with, but it is as real as joy and happiness and I want to be real, honest, there is no way to sugarcoat my feelings. I'm getting to understand that it is perfectly fine to give myself permission to put my healing first, to be gentle with my soul and stop listening to the voices that says "do more", "you need to do this, or that'...  It is time for me to acknowledge that just for today I'm doing the best I can to cope and survive and that is enough. Just for today. 
 Absolutely nothing  can prepare you for loosing someone you love so deeply,  much less your own child. Our human logic tell us we the parents are to leave this world first, and I can assure you no matter how strong your faith in God is and how focus your perspective on the eternal life is, something like this would impact you. To the core. So I want to set the record straight and openly tell you a few things that will enlighten your perception of what really happens in the heart and mind of a bereaved mom (or dad)...What happens in my heart and mind for now.
I'm not OK with what happened or how it happened nor I will ever be, so don't think that by you telling me that I have to understand, and that " things happen for a reason"  something  magically will tweak on my brain to fix me. I'm not crazy nor sick, grief is a process and now I think of it as a lifetime companion. Remember?  The unknown valley I described before...Sure, I grieve with hope and in faith but our human nature can understand just so much, the rest is not meant to be revealed to us on this side of haven. The reality is someday we all get to experience grief in some way or another in this life.

Yes, I'm not the same person I used to be, how can I? Nor I intend to be.
Dr Gordon Livingston wrote:"To try to explain to people that this is the kind of loss that transforms you into a different person, that you will never be the same person you were before this happened, is almost impossible."

I have not giving up on living, but I wasn't given the choice to take on this new reality and it stinks. If you ask me "how I feel" I will be honest and tell you like it is, if I'm having one of those hard days I won't lie or pretend to be alright, one thing this experience has left on me is the desire to be more true to myself and others, not that I wasn't before but again, like I've told you in the beginning of this post  I'm learning to deal with my emotions and the perception from others, I'm learning to stop feeling bad about making people uncomfortable when they sense my pain, I'm trying to be an open book, I want my new and old friendships and relationships to be based in a reality of who I am, and if someone can't handle the new me, I wish them farewell. I won't sacrifice or devalue my experience and I won't let anybody take the validation of my pain away.
Yes I do smile, laugh, do my hair and makeup, work, can look great at times, carry on interesting, smart conversations that don't pertain to my loss, I don't have to look crappy to show you my pain, I don't have to prove it,  I carry it with me 24/7.  I have pity parties in which I'm the only guest. Don't worry you won't be invited to those...
Meaningless Platitudes don't work, things like, "you have to keep going because you have your other kids" (I'm aware of that) ", "Are you over the loss of your daughter yet? (Yes, I've been asked that and No I wont ever be. Period.) and the list goes on...The most helpful, honest support words have come in a form of a simple, "I'm here for you", 
"want to walk outside?"

This has been a rocky road, and I know there is so much to learn and I'm a work in progress but this life has a unique way of showing us the path, while we are here. I know one thing for sure, after I finish my race in this sometimes messy unfair but beautiful world, I will be able to look up and say, I didn't give up, because I won't. Even in the middle of this storm I will look for a new rainbow maybe even a “Eunicorn” at the end of it and for a ray of light. If there are shadows there has to be light too.

God's relentless mercy, Eunice's smile and bright spirit are leading my way forward. Always.

Much Love,

Claudia

Grief

                                                                          

Thinking about how grief has change my perspective and sensibility, how deeply my vulnerability can be at times on all aspects of my life  gets me to dig deeper into my feelings and really get to the root of some of the most intricate self-doubting questions that I've encountered.
I know that facing this fragile state and the reality of having lost my daughter -whom  along my other two children I love more than my own life- It is something that can potentially crush my soul to pieces in fact, in that regard I honestly feel that during  the first weeks of taking on this journey somehow my soul and spirit were crushed and for days and weeks I  felt as of this huge weight that I was  bearing was going to  eventually stop me from ever waking up literally!  And that sentiment isn't over yet, I still have unbelievable hard days in which I have to force myself out of bed,  put on my big girl panties and grab the day as it comes.
I know that feeling pain is an opportunity to grow spiritually, bringing goodness to myself and the people I love. While walking this path trying to merge the person I was before my loss with my new self is a day to day task, little by little I'm starting to make peace with the fact that I won't ever feel the blissful glory of being at the top of my mountain, life has taken a big turn and I'll have to adjust to that. I need to recreate happiness in a different canvas. A new canvas without my favorite creation or my favorite colors, one that eventually can be good enough for me.  I've started to think about the possibility of rebuilding myself so I can continue forward without letting go, because the spirit and the love of my amazing daughter Eunice will be with me forever. I'm still the mother of three amazing human beings, one of them is not physically with me, one of them I can not see the same way as I see the  other two. I will have to learn to navigate in the sea of grief while at the same time I set my being into reborn, looking into the realm of what it was and rescuing what it is possible to use in this new version of myself, resourcing to  love as the fuel, faith and hope as the spark and get myself going because there is no other option. Not for me. I really want to give it a try at this "Rebuilt " "Renew " thing. This does not mean I'm free from grief, oh no, that tag will stay with me for the rest of my life, imprinted in the deepest spaces of my heart but I want to challenge grief, I want to write my own chapters, my own story, redefine grief, make it work on my behalf and in my favor, to make grief no longer my enemy because it is not. Grief is an extension of love,  it is the price of love, and I love my daughter to pieces. Forever. 

Grief came to stay I guess, and it can. Under my own terms.

Love,

Claudia

A Dad Hurts Too.

Father's Day is a special day in the calendar that we take -just as Mother's Day- to celebrate, honor, acknowledge and love the Men in our life, our fathers, husbands, It is a day filled with celebration, crafts cheerfully created by tiny hands and hallmark cards written with such love and pride, heartfelt messages, special dining arrangements etc. Social media gets filled with all these beautiful pictures that can easily be confused with pages from a magazine all of them painting a blissful reality of
fatherhood.

But there is another side to this day, one that no father would never ever imagine he could be in... The side where this day has changed forever and will never be the same, the first Father's Day as a bereaved parent.
I want to dedicate this post to my husband, the love of my life my rock and faithful companion, my partner in crime, my best friend; And to all fathers out there that are hurting today, to those that can't celebrate like they did before experiencing the loss of one of their precious sons or daughters.
I know how torn your hearts are, some of you that have more children will be able to find comfort in their love and grasp and hold so thigh to those blessing but the void never goes away.
Society hasn't been very helpful when it comes to a father grieving, the message is; Fathers need to be the strong ones, press and hurry and get over your loss, empathy, real empathy for a father grieving is like a rare pearl, and at times it may even seem like breaking down, crying and having to take time and having bad days are perceived as weakness.
Let me tell you a reality;
Fathers hearts hurt, to the soul crushing point just like moms. They too go through hell when loosing a child and the light on their eyes goes away too, I've seen it.
I've seen my husband wanting so bad and with no success sometimes to be my healer, reassuring me that love will eventually heal our hearts, I've seen him wanting to stand strong for our family, but I've also seen the despair, the light on his eyes disappeared, I saw his suffering and frustration when he saw the life of his princess slipping from his hands.  I know how in his most vulnerable moment he bargained with God asking him to take his life instead and to perform a miracle for our daughter.
He too is dealing with the heartache of waking up to a different realty every day, he misses his beloved princess Eunice and although he does not weep when people is around I'm sure he does while driving from one place to another one, or at a random moment when grief takes over.
I've seen the man he is transforming into because just like me he isn't the same person he used to be.  He too has a life with a huge Ground Zero, that moment of impact that divided the before and after of his existence with a space in between wider and deeper than the Copper Canyon (This canyon is located in my beautiful native Chihuahua Estate, google it is breathtaking)

The Copper Canyon-Chihuahua Mex. 

The challenge is big. Monumental.
Going through this journey has two roads, the one you feel pulled into is dark and your soul can be consumed, the other one takes courage, love, faith, and hard work, learning to live a full life again, deeply wounded but wiling to find a way to thrive, creating bridges of love between the pieces of a broken heart.
I know in my heart that's the way he wants to lead us, his family, with God leading him first.
And today more that ever I honor him for the man, the father and the husband  he is.
With honor and recognition to all fathers out there grieving loss. Any kind of loss.
To all Fathers: Cherish your sons and daughters, I'm not saying this as a cliche phrase but with a real open wounded heart, hug them, love them, celebrate them, learn from them.
For we don't know what tomorrow will hold.
Happy Fathers Day.

Fathers Day  2014

Love,

Claudia Viniegra

Honoring our Amazing Eunice

The past few weeks have been really heavy, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted to say the least.
Finding a good balance between grieving and living has left my heart and my mind simply weary. Trying to escape something present is not quite the same as accepting a huge absence every day, an irreplaceable absence, everything from prom to graduation and in between events that took place these past weeks were more like daggers that caused the pain to be sharp and constant. All of it reminding us of the void in our present and a future that even as a nonexistent, intangible white canvas was always filled with dreams and expectations to be created, or so we thought. We now have a different canvas and I know it is up to us what we create on  it, one day at the time still for all in our family, one day at the time...I'm learning to make peace with my own emotions and accept my limitations when it comes to what and how I can manage my feelings, some good days I get to accomplish more and other days the only thing I can manage to do is cry. And it is ok.

In the midst of all this raw emotions we were able to honor our precious Eunice and the first    "Eunice Viniegra - Memorial Scholarship"  was awarded a few weeks ago to a bright student that will be attending a Medical field related career next fall. It is our intention to keep awarding one every year to a Champion HS Senior entering a health career, the student will always be a deserving young man or woman in the Boerne community. At the end of this post I will share the information in case you feel in your heart the desire to contribute to this important cause, helping others with bigger need. We want to be able to channel our grief towards actions that will be speaking loud of the values and principles that Eunice represented when she was on this earth, we want to continue her legacy and desire for a better world by doing small acts of love because even the smallest act of love and kindness can be the difference in someone's day.
Another act of love came from the Senior class of 2015 at Champion HS, on May 27th beautiful trees were planted in memory of three students that no longer are with us, one of them dedicated to Eunice, and also stone plates were placed there and laid in the front of the school. There was a dedication ceremony attended by the students, teachers, the wonderful Principal Dr. Spoor, some friends and families. It was a very emotional event filled with tears moment, but it was also a space filled with hope, hope of healing and love much love. We are so grateful to the school and the community that keep on loving us and supporting us.
Another permanent plaque was placed at the Bahama Bucks in Leon Springs, a beautiful gift, so much grace and love from the kind owners and former bosses of Eunice's, she was so loved and still is, I know that she is still continues making an impact in people life's and that's bring us strength  and peace.
Back in April on her birthday a celebration and balloon release was held at the BB Store. I will share the pictures on this post.
Eunice may not had lived a long life in years, but her life on this earth was rich and filled with love and kindness up to her very last moment and I'm sure this world is better because she lived, I know she challenged me to be better as a human, as a mother and she made my life better, brighter in all aspects of it and yes I'm suffering this unspeakable pain but I wouldn't change the amazing years of joy that we were able to have and everything I received from her, my precious Eunicorn. (her favorite nickname) Even after she was called to be with our Father in haven, she made a huge gift. The gift of life. Eunice was an organ donor.-- When I feel stronger I will dedicate an entire post about it-- but for now I'll tell you that a few months ago we learned that through her gifts, the life of five people were impacted. Five humans had a second chance in life because our amazing daughter's gifts.

If someone is interested to contribute to "Eunice Viniegra Memorial Scholarship" the information is as follows :

Donations on any amount can be made to Bank of America Account #4880 5337 2077

Under the name of Eunice Viniegra (Memorial) Claudia/Victor Viniegra

Applications for the Scholarship will be posted on a yearly basis on the BISD/Champion HS
by March/April every year and will be awarded by May in a Ceremony held at the School.
Specific dates TBD.
Thank you,


                                              Eunice Memorial Tree at Champion HS. May 2015

                                          Balloon Release in Memory of Eunice, April 2015

Much Love,

Claudia.

Grateful

Being grateful is one of the things that I like to put in practice in my life the most, it is also one of the things that I talked about with my children since they were very little, I've always told them to be grateful for the small blessings; the simple things in life as well as for the big ones. I really like for them to have a deep appreciation for everything in life and to make it a habit for them and always look for the silver lining even in the tough times, easier said than done right?  let’s face it being grateful is really easy when life is going great and smooth, when the wind is blowing in our favor and all in life is like big giant gift with a big bow on top, when life is smiling at us it is just so easy to smile back, but when for some unexpected reason even unfair you may think, when you have to adjust your sails then gratefulness takes a complete different meaning.  You see these days there are two aspects in my life that have become so precious to me more precious than ever before; faith and gratefulness, my faith is what keeps me going even in the hardest days when I’m ready to relinquish, when life feels too big for me and the silver lining appear to be getting slimmer by the minute and at times  just banishes completely. It is then when by the grace of God and by the gift of faith I begin to make the shift away from the pain, the heartbreaking  loss we've experienced and I surrender to a spirit of gratitude, and I see that even in the midst of our storm there are small and big mercies to be grateful for, as I close my eyes and count my blessings and all the acts of love that I'm grateful for, the daily miracles I witness when I am willing to open my heart; the love I get from my family, the unexpected unasked hug from Ebe and Yael when I most need it, the faithful love from my husband and his capacity to see beyond my breaking point where sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore but he can still see deep into my soul. The gift of having my Mom so close to me during the most painful time of my life showing me what strength looks like but with the tenderest love only she can offer to me.

The extraordinary good deeds people have done for us throughout this difficult time, we have received  so much love from the first moment we started this journey, we have been lifted, held and accompanied by our extended family, friends that have become family. Beautiful people that we didn't know before all of this happened and are now dear new friends to us, neighbors, coworkers from near and far, the love and support has been overwhelmingly and unconditionally given to us, the calls, prayers, heartfelt messages, flowers, cards, daily meals for almost two months after January 23, the beautiful sentiment in words of encouragement, all of that to me is as clear example of Love in action.  I feel blessed to have such wonderful people around us and  we are eternally grateful to each and every person that came to love us and keep on loving us in so many different ways.          

I can say that in my life I've experience most feelings in real depth;  Love, Joy, Hope, Faith, but I've also experienced disappointment, sadness and loss, a monumental loss, one that I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I realize now more than ever before that we are given the immeasurable beauty of life but at the same time we are exposed to the possibility of pain and sorrow, in one way or another one we all get to face the unpleasant but I know for sure the difference strive in changing the perspective and allow our wounds to transform us into better persons and let all the goodness be what define us, I know that while I'm alive, the best way to continue honoring my daughter's memory is to face the hurt head on, confront my fears and be graciously brave because I know that is exactly what she would've wanted for me.
"Eunice my precious girl with a strong and courageous heart, I'm forever grateful to God for having you as my daughter, you touched my life and so many others, our love is forever. I promise you baby I will never let you down".

Love,

Claudia

And then...There is Hope

Our Precious Eunice

 I have been hiding in my darkest place and basically just living on survival mode. Three months ago our precious daughter Eunice went back home with our Lord.  One of my dear friends or more like one of my sisters in Love (I have been blessed with more than few of those angels) gave me a journal in which I started to write from the first weeks of this painful journey and I discovered that by expressing myself in writing was helping me cope with the daily struggle (at least some days) and it sort of calmed my anxiety down a tiny little bit, but even a small ray of light is enough when all you can see is darkness, anyway so I've decided to start this blog, the purpose is to share my heart out, honest and raw. To share my journey as a Mom and as a family, like I said it will also be a healing tool for me because it helps me cope, and who knows maybe along the road I'll get to touch one or two hearts, maybe it will get to someone traveling the same or a similar path than the one we unwillingly are on to get some comfort or support. 

I know I'm not writing about recipes or decor trends or anything fun like that, I'm writing about the ugly, stinky  and nasty truth of GRIEVING AND MOURNING the death of a child, my child, my precious child, my beloved princess Eunice. Writing about my experience wont be a walk on the park per say but, but what I want to accomplish is to write with love, hope and faith contrary to despair, sometimes this seems and feels impossible, unobtainable, its a challenge because yes I'm hurt, broken, mad, I'm human! I don't need to be fixed, approved or validated I just have to be embraced, I'm still gathering around the pieces of my own puzzle that are scattered all over with no order whatsoever, but I have to try it. I want to be reborn from the ashes like the phoenix, I want to be able to take this unexpected painful experience and let it reshape my heart, even if its broken into tiny pieces I want to create bridges between those pieces, for my family and for me, I want my two other precious children Yael and Ebe to feel loved, unconditionally loved despite the circumstances, I want that in the future when they look back into the storm they can see a Mom that was strong for them when they most needed, I want for them to treasure their memories and to hold on to faith even when they are hurt, confused and missing her sister, I want them to feel God's love and mercy.

I want to be the wife my husband finds comfort, understanding and peace, despite this tremendous experience had shaken us to the core I want to be brave, loving and supportive when he needs me, because he has been there for me through thick and thin. I know now that even in the broken version of ourselves we can let Love transform us again and again. 
 Grieving is hard work, there isn't a right or wrong way to do it, grief is unpredictable and it comes in waves huge relentless waves, it's like being on a roller-coaster, its simply like noting else you knew or experienced before, there is  not control  over your own grief a lot of the times or should I say most of the times indeed.
We all miss our baby like crazy we do and we will forever, I know I will feel this void in my heart until the day I take my last breath, but I also know we are becoming better at choosing or recognizing our intention to shift from the darkest places we have been and  become  resilient, to be survivors instead of victims of the painful circumstances that we are facing. I personally have discovered a new strength in me, is not peace nor closure, in fact I have accepted closure does not exist .Not for me. But strength a supernatural one that can only come from the grater power of our mighty God.
With strength and willingness my family and I have chosen that intention that I'm mentioning above, to honor our Eunice by putting our best efforts in living in the sunshine of her beautiful life on this earth and not in the shadow of our pain. 

Please comment and contribute to the blog, I encourage you to share your thoughts, books, songs, poems, quotes, other blogs related and feel free to share this blog also.

Much Love,

Claudia