01.23.15 Eunice forever in our hearts...

On January 23, 2015 our life was forever changed, that night our beautiful, bright, smart, caring, loving, seemingly healthy oldest daughter Eunice left this world to be born to her eternal life, that night I saw the light on her eyes vanished and with it our world became a completely different realty…

Eunice transition to the other dimension was really sudden and unexpected.

She suffered a brain hemorrhage caused by an AVM( arteriovenous malformation). The bleeding caused a seizure that was fatal, we were given that explanation by the neurosurgeon that saw Eunice when she first got to the emergency care. By then we have never heard of AVM’s, we didn’t know what they were and she never presented symptoms, (only an occasional headache) apparently AVM’s are rare and can be diagnosed only by CT Scans or MRI’s with contrast, some people can have recurrent migraines, seizures and other symptoms that can be easily confused with other conditions.

Brain AVM (arteriovenous malformation)

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/brain-avm/symptoms-causes/dxc-20129994

After precious Eunice was put in ICU it took only hours for the doctors to determined she was not going to be recovering and that she was very sick. I felt the earth underneath crumbled, I wanted to scream loud so I can be awakened from the nightmare I was living. Alongside my son Yael, praying for a miracle for his sister, one of my best friends came that night to the hospital and it was only by an outside supernatural force that I did not collapsed on the floor that night, how could this be happening? Only some hours before I had said goodbye to my baby when she was in a hurry leaving for work, It was only a couple of hours after we got to the hospital when we were facing the unimaginable, in a mater of just hours our life was in the verge of a deep fracture, one that would forever change the course of our existence, one that will cut deep into our core and would leave us unrecognizable. I was there standing in my own feet but inside me I could feel the coldness and the shock in my body, then suddenly my mind started to think as I was trying to process that  we were going to lose our precious daughter, I needed to talk to her dad  who was traveling and didn't even imagined that he was coming back the next day to a land that was completely unfamiliar to him, back to a catastrophe scene where all the pieces of destruction were scattered around, He would now encounter his daughter but she would not be chatty about his trip, she would not be welcoming him with a hug, he was coming back to his princess laying in a hospital bed, so helpless, so fragile, he would come and tell her to wake up and how much he loved her, and tell her how proud he was of her...We needed to plan for a funeral, we needed to decide if Eunice was going to become an organ donor. We needed to start learning how in the world we were going to start our day the next morning without the presence of our daughter. Honestly I wanted to die that day,I could not imagine the next morning without seeing the smile on my precious daughter face.

Those three days that we spent in that Hospital were and will always be the most difficult, long, blurry days of my life. The worst nightmare.

We stayed with our baby until she was going to be taken to the OR to give her gifts, Eunice was an organ donor, this was her last act of kindness, the ultimate gift of life after her physical death,  later we learned that her gifts saved the lives of 5 people.  

Once, I heard someone saying that loosing a child is like getting your DNA changed; Now I know that is completely accurate. I feel as if I have been burned to the ground. My beliefs, my faith, the foundation of the life we built in years, became suddenly compromised.

I know this journey is long, I know grief will be my lifetime companion and I’m learning every day how to live again. How to reinvent a different realty, saving what’s possible on the aftermath of this emotional collapse.

I wrote these words 2 year ago, if not more, I never published this post.
Today, at 4 years after Eunice's death after countless difficult moments, many challenges, rivers of tears, missing Eunice beyond unimaginable limits, numerous changes in my life and the life of my two other precious children, and living through a one day at a time motto, I reflect on my journey and I can see a trail of so much pain, deep falls, and sudden turns, but in it I can clearly also see a trail of hope, new beginnings, courage to search a life in healing and above all God's grace through a relentless support system around me, today I feel truly grateful.
 Eunice left me physically but she is present at every moment in my life, her existence is blended in my own existence, her life keeps shining on, today is one day closer to you my precious Eunice!

Love,

Claudia

01.23.18 The Third Year

Tonight I'm reflecting on some words I wrote two years ago, as life keeps unfolding, I've not been very active when it comes to publishing on this blog, I still write a lot, I just keep a lot to myself. Tonight I felt compelled to share some of my deep thoughts and feelings, again I was reading the words below and I'm amazed that although time has passed, these words resonate in my heart as if I was writing them today, as I pause to observe this Third Anniversary of Eunice's demise, I can't help but to think about what gratefulness is, the many ways my life has been impacted when practicing it, and the positive effects that gratefulness has brought  to my grieving journey...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deeply inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most, my family and friends.

I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Every time that life stops me on my tracks I go back to these words, my life has been far from easy and grief has long term effects, as it is connected to the love I share with Eunice, the pain is deep, and I know it will never go away, the longing and missing gets to be so heavy at times that I simply disconnect from all at once, some days my mind drifts away in reminisce to the treasured memories we, and I shared with Eunice.

My life is full of her, her photos, her art, her hand writing in cards, her cookie recipes, my Facebook memories although treasures to my heart, take my breath away when they come as reminders of what once was my blissful life.

 I feel closer to her when I wear some of her personal things, I see her so much in Ebe, the more she grows up,  the more I see the resemblance and I can't help it but to vividly remember Eunice when she was 6 years old and I was pregnant with Ebe, not knowing yet the gender of the baby I was carrying, Eunice came to me and she told me: "Mom I know it will be a baby girl, I've already prayed and I've asked God for a baby sister and I've asked that she looks like me" of course we had Ebe and sure enough she and Eunice looked so much like each other.  

Yael keeps on surprising me with this -beyond his age-perspective, this past year he decided to live abroad for the next 6 months or so which was another layer to process, he tells me how much he feels Eunice, how much of his life inspiration comes from the love and bond he shared with her.

I'm not sure if this feeling of anxiety, and inadequacy that is pronounced on special days like today, her Angelversary, her birthday, Christmas etc.- will ever evolve into something different, today at a 36 months mark of Eunice's demise it feels, intense, open, I can only surrender and embrace all of my emotions and let grief take charge, intense waves and days like these are the ones that leave my heart exhausted but they have also built a sense of resilience in me that is hard to explain in words.

 In recollection this past year was filled with more changes and challenges, but also filled with new hope,  and joys, and I'm deeply grateful for that, in the midst of all there is this feeling, a stronger, bigger than me-sense of healing and faith that keeps pushing me forward, beyond my human understanding and capacity, I know that while I'm alive I can choose every day how I want to live my life, I've learned that  no matter what, the sun will shine after the storm,  I know so many good remains in this world, I'm grateful, because my heart although broken is still open to possibilities of a new day, I want to believe and keep believing that no matter what, if we hold our grip to the force of Love, life is worth living, with the pain, grief, all the shortcomings yes but also with all the gifts, lessons, joys, with the highs and lows, life is beautiful, it is, and for that clear perspective of the broad horizon that I visualize today -even when at times I can't see myself clearly- for that, today I'm deeply Grateful.

Eunice, today is one day closer to you!

Much love,

Claudia Miranda 

Where there is Love, there is Life...Happy Birthday Eunice! 04/16

It's your birthday today, this year your special day falls in Easter Day, which is a day of celebration, honor and remembrance, the resurrection of Christ, his rising from death.
I kept going on and on in my mind that it's difficult enough to face another important date in the calendar without your physical presence, more so when is also a holiday, as I was trying to find the significance of today's meaning and how to celebrate your birthday, instead of drowning in the pain of not being physically together, I got beautifully reminded by some lovely friends  that today it's indeed a gift, a reminder of hope, an invitation to see beyond what's palpable and imminent, a clear view to the hope of the eternal life and a reminder that this earth is not my final home...
This will be your third birthday outside our earthly realm, it does not get easier,
see for me, the fact that I can't hold you, see you, listen to you, kiss you, does not erase the realty that you lived, that today 21 years ago you were born and your birth changed the course of my story forever, you marked the before and after for me, just as when you parted from this world, my life was and is divided by a monumental abyss, these two worlds in my life intertwine and collide, sometime in balance sometimes in complete chaos. I live in between these two worlds, I dance between them and sometimes I stumble and fall too, I spend long time recollecting memories and every day and in everything I do, I try to honor you, I take some steps forward and sometimes many steps backwards, but one thing I know, I would've chosen you over and over, even if I would've know that your existence will be shorter than mine, even if I would've know that I had to endure the pain of loosing you, I would not have change the glorious gift of your existence, sharing this life with you, along with your brother and sister, being your mom will always be the greatest honor and gift ever given to me.
Death doesn't take love away, love remains and anchors our soul to hope, love transcends it all, time and space are nothing for the extraordinary force that keeps us going and grounded even when we feel we can't continue.
So today, you may not be physically with me, but you are with me, and you will always be.
Today I celebrate your magnificent life, today I want for my soul to resurrect in Love, and live in healing for the rest of my existence.
Today I celebrate the miracle of your life that gave me the greatest gift ever; being a Mom for the first time, being your mom. Forever.

"We don't lose what we love, therefore where there is love, there is life".

Happy Birthday Princesa Hermosa! ❤️
Today is one day closer to you!

With infinite love for Eunice.

Mom.                                                                       

Love, Time and an Enchanted Place...

Time really is irrelevant when it comes to Love, so it's to grieving because grief is a direct connection to those we can not longer hold physically.
I've read somewhere that when you lose someone so dear and near to your heart time really becomes only a mere before and after, more so when is your own child the one missing from your tangible world...
So time has continued it's course, hence today the calendar marked 2 years that Eunice left the physical realm, and every cycle of 365 that falls on January 23th will mark one more year for the rest of my life; for me though it feels as if it has just happened yesterday.

 Honestly I could've mentally prepare and plan and find 1000 ways to honor her, but these days my heart feels more like just being present with my feelings, all of them.
As the morning went by and I started to receive heartfelt messages from friends and family I couldn't help but let myself drown in tears, in memories and let the full force of the waves of grief crash over and over.
Later in the day the four of us went out for a hike, I put on Eunice's sunglasses and one of her favorite bracelets that I gifted her a few years back that reads "sweet" -I always carry something that belongs to her with me-

 We had picked Enchanted Rock as our hiking destination because the proximity to town.
Initially I felt as if I had bricks on my feet, but as our hike progressed I thought: "We couldn't have chosen a better place to honor our beautiful Eunice" it's really an "Enchanted" magical and I believe even a sacred place, hiking up to the majestic gigantic pink rock is everything but easy, as I walked I related the effort to what it's like in real life, when we face tragedy, pain, heartache, sometimes we don't know what the next step will feel like, but we take it.
Sometimes we are in the company of others but other times it's only our shadow,

 As I could see the little water ponds, I thought of the many people that have been light to my path, oasis in the desert, and getting to the top was as emotional as it can be, but it was also an indescribable feeling of being near  God, the everything, the source, as the wind blew and my tears fogged my vision for some moments, I felt as if Eunice was there, I felt a sense of hope, gratitude and love, nothing can't take away the pain of not having her with us, but her love and the way she lived, her perseverance, kindness and determination even through difficult times has set the standard very high for this gal.

So today I vowed once again to continue living in the light of her beautiful spirit, to grieve but to keep letting the light of the magnificent Love we shared be the vessel on my journey, to live in healing. To live fully and fearless.


Much Love,

Claudia

Enchanted Ways

My two main anchors in life <3

Grieving and Grateful

It's hard to believe this was our second Thanksgiving Day that we went "through" without our Eunice physically present and yes I'm not saying we "celebrated" because contrary to some people's beliefs grief is not "on demand" emotion that you get to control and turn on & off as you please. And these days celebration is not really something I look forward to. Sigh...

This month marks 22 months and in 2 more months we will be living through the Second Year Anniversary.

My take: It does not get easier -another phrase I've been told countless times, I even believed it at one point- but no, on the contrary I feel it gets harder, almost everything is a daily reminder of the life I don't have like I used to, the one I long for and grieve for, I know this a raw statement  but I also know it's a true one. Today more than ever I owe to myself to feel, express and be genuine with my story, I get to chose that.

What it gets better is my ability to navigate grief as a part of me, an entangled, entwined part of me and with it I've become more resilient. I've also noticed that later I've been using more of my boundaries, see, while one experience the full swing effects of grief some other aspects of one self develop, change, we become a different version of ourselves, I feel this, as a defense mechanism to the outside world that seems to be ill equipped to handle grief sometimes.

As I'm mindfully preparing for the full blown emotions that I know will be my companions throughout this holiday season, I'm also taking time to reflect on the true gifts in life; They have nothing to do with a perfect decorated table, gift lists, decorated Christmas trees, lights, extravagant dinners etc, all of that is really nice, of course, I'm still the biggest foodie and retail therapy although expensive it is one to be enjoyed.

But the true gifts of life don't show comparison to all of the above, these come from the source; LOVE,  you experience them, you live them, you carry them with you, you share them, you can't buy them, because they are free!

So tonight as I read my post from one year ago, I see gratitude as one of the main allies in my journey, in fact I believe that is while in pain that gratefulness takes a deeper meaning, because we are pushed to look beneath the surface, beyond our sorrow and despair.

I still have a rocky road ahead but I want to walk in healing, I'm still a firm believer that life is not necessarily what happens to us, because let's face it, so many aspects of it are random events that no mater what, we won't be able to control, but there is always a choice in how we react or what we make out of our experiences in life, even the ones that breaks us to the core.

From around this time-Last year...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deeper inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Love,

Claudia 

The Cap and Gown...Graduation Day

Eunice's and Yael's Cap and Gown

Graduation day...For most families, a day of joy and celebration of the accomplishments of their beloved children, a milestone in their lives. 

Cherishing the time as hopeful hearts are looking forward to the bright future...

But the seemingly picture perfect is not a reality for some families, not in the same way, for some of us it is an emotional bittersweet day, one in which we feel our grief reaching peak levels, one in which we struggle for a balance as we battle to find a way to be able to feel the joy of such moments in spite of our grief. To be able to find  "The beauty in the ashes" like it is said. 

For me personally today is a day in which I feel so proud of my dear son: Yael, as he finishes this phase of his life, he is graduating from High School, he is filled with hope, he is driven, he is persistent and motivated to make the best of his life... and  and he is also grieving...in spite of having been through his most difficult time, he has built a gigantic sense of perseverance and resilience. 
Today is also a day that is marked as the day that I never got to see for my beloved daughter, Eunice, as she parted 5 months before graduating from High School, last year in January; there isn't a day that goes by that her beautiful spiritual presence is not present in my heart, but  there is also not a day that goes by that her physical presence isn't missed...Today as I was helping Yael to prepare the Cap and Gown for his graduation - the same Cap and Gown that we actually ordered for Eunice, on the same Friday that she left her physical body-  Yael (and we) felt that wearing it will be a way to honor his sister, that Cap and Gown had remained on its original package since last year, as the days were approaching and as the day unfolded I knew I would feel the vulnerability, I knew it, and I allowed myself to feel the pain, as I was thinking that she didn't get to wear it, she didn't get to see the light of that day, it did hurt, so much that words can't describe it, I felt sad and angry, drowned in grief. Sometimes I need to feel those emotions in order to be able to keep moving into healing, to be able to keep choosing life and true meaning. 
This crazy process takes us to the darkest places, with such force it takes us to places within ourselves that we wouldn't ever imagined, some moments we plunged into a grief wave then, suddenly we resurfaced to the softer, gentler waves, and is there where despite all the pain  we really become aware that Love is what keeps our grip into this life. 

Eunice's legacy keeps on going, I actively keep in search of rediscovering and evolving my own soul map and my true sense of purpose on this earthly realm (I believe we all have it) all she was in her physical existence and all she still is, remains with us, as I read on a article from a bereaved mom:

"We can continue to 'have' what we have 'lost', that is, a continuing, albeit transformed, love for the deceased. We have not truly lost our years of living with the deceased or our memories. Nor have we lost their influences, the inspirations, the values, and the meanings embodied in their lives."  (Lucy Hone)    

I truly believe that when we physically part away from someone we love so deeply, part of us goes with them and it is in the healing journey that we can find our way into that part of us that we lost, a way into our true, better, kinder, self.

Eunice's life impacted my life, her existence carved my being and my soul and I know she impacted many others, and she continues to do so, today as we keep celebrating Yael's achievements and milestones, I can't help but to think how amazingly proud Eunice would've been of seeing her brother accomplishing one more step, seeing him grow spiritually and seeing him becoming a fine young man, but I also know in my heart how Yael's life keeps being an  inspiration to us and to many others and how as he lives his own life, he also keeps finding  ways to honor Eunice, he keeps finding ways to incorporate parts of her legacy into his own journey, the legacy of the love they shared and keep sharing. 

Congratulations Class of 2016!

Congratulations dear son!



Love,
Claudia

I Survived

My Child died, I didn't...
Therefore I was left behind with my hands filled with dreams for her, therefore I feel, I feel all these raw sensations, I feel an Infinite, immense void; it can't be fixed, nor I want it to be fixed, it is the sacred space I hold for her existence, for her beautiful irreplaceable existence, there, I hold the  memories, the love and my hope of reuniting with her soul one day, it is the sacred space where pain and love intertwine in a forever dance.
Every day, this way of living is more familir to me, every day becomes more clear to me that I have a choice every morning, to say yes, to open my arms to life, this life, and see that she is in it, and yes I wouldn't, in a million years have chosen this path, but it came to be part of my story, her story; and that space now is mine, and hers. Forever.
It is carving my soul, my being.
I won't be over it, like people say. I don't want to. Why would I? She is my daughter and she will always be.

I'm human and as one, and from my deepest love inside my being I long and grieve for her, for the unwritten story of her; yet I know I have my own story to keep writing.
Please do not tell me good will come from It, or that there must be a good reason for my daughter not to be here. With me.
There is not one. It just happened.
Yes, I will keep living for both of us, yes I'll embrace my story and find enlightenment from the depths of my despair.
Don't tell me to be strong, I survived, I choose to keep living in spite of wanting to go with her when she took her last breath on this earth, I choose to be strong since then.
And I can choose again today, and tomorrow if tomorrow is given to me, I can choose...

Claudia Viniegra

Ever After...

I recently was having a conversation with one of my dearest friends, she is also a bereaved Mom, we met almost a year ago at the Children Bereavement Center, where we visited in search of some solace after our precious daughters left this world leaving our families with the unimaginable task of reinventing a life without their physical presence.

Gaby said something that night that stayed glued to my mind, she said: "Maybe my daughter had those four chapters on her book of life"... Referring to her precious Zoe that had left this world back on September 2014 at the tender age of 4 years old. Then I thought of my Eunice, her book was almost nineteen chapters, nineteen beautiful, filled with love and meaningful chapters on this earth...though short, her life was and still is of impact to many, and one of my most precious treasures that I forever hold inside the warmth of my broken heart. This made me think; It does not matter if is one, two, twenty or eighty chapters, our lives are so precious and the impact that we have on the people that we come to share our life with, it is intrinsic as our souls interweave in the love we share and our lives are transformed as a result of that love, no matter the years, no matter the chapters.

Reflecting on this made me think of our lives as books, then I thought: My daughter leaving us when she was only 18, almost 19 years old left a monumental gaping hole in our lives, the impact of loosing her has been such a life altering event- for lack of a better expression- We felt that our family could crumble apart, the wounds and the daily feelings, the solitude of the heavy grieving taking a toll on one and each of us.

I know most likely I would never fully be able to recover, therefore my quest is for transformation, healing in the coexistence of deep pain and deep love; I also know the reality is, I have my own life to live, my own book of life, in which I've yet to write the rest of my story, the rest of my chapters in which I can honor my beloved Eunice by living fearless and loving fiercely.

When I look at the book of my life, I see chapters that are sad, others are bright and hopeful, when I get to the middle I could say I reach the pivotal point up until then, blissful chapters, raising a family, creating my most precious tender memories, probably a lot of my spiritual awakening happened also on those chapters, surely back then the cover pages looked as hard and strong as they come, soft and shiny...

Then after so many pages of those chapters in which the story was about crystallizing dreams, overcoming obstacles and conquering battles, it came...The beginning of the darkest chapters on my book of life, all I knew, changed forever, the pages turned almost grey and old from day to night, the covers also changed, they became covers with a timeworn look, like a book out of an ancient library, dusty, dark, maybe some soft spots remained as a sing of some hope...

These last pages have probably been written with blood, blood from the heart, the first ones are simply screams of disbelief and despair. As I've been writing in these dark chapters I've also notice the heart softens and it is here where I stop and think: How do I want the rest of my book to be?  I have an answer emanating from the depths of my soul; I want the words on my book to have hope, I wish for my chapters to be written with love, I want my chapters to inspire and to never write in them that I've given up, never.

In the the end I wish for my book to say a story of resilience, re-birthing from ashes and even though some chapters will surely be about my descend, I will also endeavor to write chapters about my rising, about creating bridges of hope and grace, even with my wounds and in the messiness of vulnerability. I want my book to show an existence of significance, authenticity and courage. I want my book of life to be about Love.

~The End~

Claudia                                                          

                             

                                

Reminiscing

As I sat down next to my kitchen, staring at the space, the eerie quietness of the morning, reminiscing of years back and our story, our beautiful family story the one that no longer is, the one we have to reinvent, as quiet as the morning I just kept going back on and on to our last year Thanksgiving Day, I could vividly  remember Eunice helping me out with the cooking and baking cookies the day before Thanksgiving like we had opened a bakery, seriously! She was so detail oriented and between she and and Ebe had even marked the containers that we will use to put the different dishes we were preparing for the celebration, that Thanksgiving  day was so special and I remember she prepared with loving care a  pasta dish from one of her favorites restaurants in Town, she wanted to make her own version so together we had journey through Goggle and found the secret recipe for the "Chicken Rigatoni D" that she absolutely loved!
As with every special celebration the girls had set the table up and like I've always told them; "oh looks like a picture from a magazine" "Pinterest pin worth" they were so proud and I could not be prouder of my beloved daughters, and of course my beautiful boy Yael that like every year will go over the list of the dishes that he needed to have me cooked "for sure" so he could feel like Thanksgiving was complete.
We had dear friends over and we had an amazing time.


Although I did not grew up celebrating Thanksgiving -as in Mexico is not a tradition to do so- when we moved to the United States and as my kids were growing up, we started to celebrate it, this tradition became one of my favorites Holidays as I find it so meaningful, over the years we have had so many wonderful memories of those Thanksgiving Celebrations but for some reason last year was particularly special, and as it turned out to be also our last Thanksgiving Day that we were to celebrate all together as a family, we really didn't even imagine the size of the tragedy we soon were to face, we were oblivious of such devastation and the nightmare that will unfold just a couple of months ahead.

For this year as the week started, I knew it was not going to be an easy week to face I knew it.
A few weeks back I really didn't have an idea of what we were going to do, the whole thing about the upcoming Holidays is something that truly stinks, yes it does, when you have experienced this kind of loss, the holidays sort of make you want to escape to an island where the Grinch may have found his happily ever after...so you get the idea; I know this may sound dramatic but it really becomes the elephant in the room and I guess is up to every person and every family to discover what eventually will work for them; For me, I'm not there yet, it will be like almost all in my life lately; one day at the time, I'm gearing more towards short term, really short term planing.
So for this Thanksgiving my dear friend, kindly asked if we would feel motivated to share the day with them, our friends, they aren't only friends they are family to us and I know they can be with us even in our low moments, they can and I'm so grateful to them for that.
Thanksgiving day came, as much as I dreaded, the day arrived...it started calm but slowly as I started to work on the turkey ritual of every year, my tears started flowing down my face and they really didn't stop for hours, I disliked the day so much, I became so frustrated and mad as I was thinking my daughter should be there with me. Nowhere else but with me. With us, her family.
 I cried, I fought my demons, my grief dragons and I was exhausted but I knew we needed to find some light for the day, I promised to Eunice that I would not give up to my sadness and I that I would find strength, you see, the realty is it didn't matter how pissed I was, how unfair, and how awful it felt, it does not matter because this is our reality, this is it, I need to learn how to live a life in which I can find the balance between grieving and living, one in which light and dark can coexist as much as sadness and joy, so for that day, in the end we had a safe place to go, our family was there for us, we were embraced by them, loved by them, no fixing, no judgments just embraced and loved...As the night unfolded we had precious moments, we created memories, yes we felt the huge void in our lives of not having our precious Eunice, we remembered her so much, we shared our memories of her as we also shared tears, she may not be physically with us but she is always with us. She is, and that gives me solace to keep going even at the moments when all I want is for just one more instant  with her on this earth. One more hug, one more kiss.
One more...

"I'm grateful for the human capacity to see beyond despair, because I've been able to somehow find a way to dig deep inside my soul and find my true anchors, find solace, and courage in vulnerability, I'm grateful for the love from those that I love the most, my family and friends.
I'm thankful for the unimaginable, yet unique perspective of life that I can get from where I'm standing  even when everything around feels crumbly and broken, the beauty of the true treasures of life shine brighter and faith becomes more precious than ever before"

Claudia Viniegra

Love, Fear, Grace and Courage...

Our Beautiful Eunice, Summer 2014

Finding Grace in Adversity and while experiencing a spiritual desert, some days feels like trying to extract water out of a rock, so many others are filled with defeat and want to throw in the towel-moments per say - for real! Then, out of nowhere something comes up, could be a call, a text with a power-uplifting message, could be my son Yael coming back from school giving me the "Grief TED Talk" of the day and saying "mom you need to keep going because there is only this life, there is only today so you better make it count" oh my child!  He is my rock on so many of those challenging days. Then there comes Ebe melting my heart with her hugs (she gives the best hugs in this house) and there it is; My day has a ray of light again, to top it up did I mention I have a true warrior by my side? Yes he is, my husband, although he is living the worst time of his life; He holds my tears and many times on my out-of-control moments he is by my side, keeping a promise we made in front of our precious Eunice at her hospital bed when we were living the most terrible nightmare of our life; We said we will pull each other out of the dark when we needed it. We both have kept that promise, the same way God is keeping his promises too, to hold us and be with us; 
His brokenhearted

 I will love and miss my daughter until my last breath on this earth, but to the last day I will also make it a mission to live by the light of love. The immeasurable love I have for her and my family, the love she gave me. There is not a day that I don't dig deep into my treasured memories, reminiscent of happier times and in there I find those beautiful moments and experiences we shared. I miss seeing her beautiful big deep black eyes, her tender smile, listening to her sweet voice, getting her beautiful face close to mine and planting a kiss on her nose, I miss having our coffee while talking about anything, cooking together, I miss all of her!  I miss and grieve for what will never be, today, tomorrow. I do.  loosing our precious Eunice has been the most painful excruciating experience my family and I have endured, but deep in my heart I know that I wouldn't for anything in this world trade my pain for not having the enormous gift of her presence in my life. The honor of being the Mother of such beautiful human being, the blessings of having shared almost 19 years with my precious daughter. Not having her at all in my life, in our life would have been our true tragedy, she transformed our hearts and this world is better because of her, my world is. That I know for sure. Her smile would brighten up an entire room, her kindness, sweetness, her gracefulness touched many lives, and reach out to many hearts. Our family is not the same, each of us is trying to pick up pieces of the life we had, and each of us is grieving at a different pace, sometimes we intertwine and other times we simply can't, but we know we are in harmony by the power of love, and love is stronger than grief. "Love comes before grief."  

 I have a grip on my faith and even though life would never ever be the same, I can be a different version of myself and in that new version I can be more compassionate, fully aware of what really matters in this life, love deeply because I know the power of this moment, hug more, because I know hugs comfort the soul, treasure the simple and the little things in life for they aren't that simple or that little, be vulnerable because there is strength and beauty in that, embrace pain, and imperfection and messiness because it is in imperfection where we find our true authentic self.  Eunice is with me, with us, in a different way, but always, always is with us; It Is her love and spirit that push me to confront my fears because I know fear is a reaction to the darkness we experienced but my quest is for courage because courage is a choice I have, and with courage I'm capable of finding grace even in the midst of storms. "Courage Dear Heart, Courage..."

C.

She is missing...

She is missing...I've been looking for her, that woman; The one that used to be happy most of the days, yes with the occasional bad hair morning but mostly with a life filled with blissful feelings, downs and difficulties just like we all experience but for the most part trying on a positive attitude most of the time.

I vividly remember she used to be excited abut weekends, running, trying new recipes all the time, watching her favorite TV series, reading a new book or enjoying a delightful evening over wine, tea or a good coffee on a zen moment, bonding with friends, feeding her mind and spirit by nurturing friendships, enjoying intense and exquisite conversations further that the surface forming bonds for life she called it, having a carefree evening with the family and finding joy in the simple things In life, those things we sometimes take for granted.

But I can't find her, she is at sea, drifted away and carried by the waves of grief, giant waves that come relentless and at times one after the other with no spare in between. 

Some days  I can start to see a glimpse of a new smile on her, a new hope being born as she holds her grip with all she has, to the today, only the today, there is no more because nothing is promised. To anyone. We just own this moment no more. The pain gets so physical she can feel it on her bones, the path in front of her isn't clear the view is blurry and the Dragons she is battling are huge and there are moments when she feels she can overpower them and finally become a thriving warrior just to realize the dragons are sometimes just asleep but they are still there. When she is alone and out of the noise of the world and the "normal" activities cease for the day, she goes and finds that intimate space, her space the one in which she can set the mask aside and be one to one with her most intricate self, no pretending, no expectations no questions to answer and no standards to meet, then she is dreaming about what it was and not longer is.

She is longing, yearning for glimpses of the eternal life, she is struggling to find firm land where she can catch a little bit of breath and plant her feet steady and stand strong. Her soul is pierced and wounded. It is changed.

Will it be forever?...She knows she has the magic powers, the sword that cuts the chains off the Dragons so she can set her spirit free, she also has a precious treasure...Possibilities that is, possibilities of a soul to be healed and hope and faith to be rebuilt in love, the love that comes from an eternal connection; The love she is surrounded with. She needs courage and maybe time to reconcile and take a hold of the treasure and let love be the ultimate price and the seal that will hold and guard the wound still, and love shall be the the vessel that will carry her to the promised and desired land where there is finally peace. At last. Or so she hopes.

Claudia

                                   

                                                 

      

 

Finding My Truth

Something interesting has happened to me and my family since losing our daughter. Some old friends and even some family members have suddenly become strangers.  Some friends and newer friends have become family to us, and we keep meeting new friends that have opened their hearts to us in a very gracious manner. We have experienced first-hand sympathy, empathy and lack of both too, and you know what?  I'm so appreciative of all. 
Walking in the valley of grief is like walking in a unknown, unexplored territory every day, but  it is within that same valley that eventually I will find my way to a different state of happiness. I know when I write about about my journey I sound dramatic and intense and I know sometimes this gets to be too much for some people, pain is not a feeling we want to become familiar with, but it is as real as joy and happiness and I want to be real, honest, there is no way to sugarcoat my feelings. I'm getting to understand that it is perfectly fine to give myself permission to put my healing first, to be gentle with my soul and stop listening to the voices that says "do more", "you need to do this, or that'...  It is time for me to acknowledge that just for today I'm doing the best I can to cope and survive and that is enough. Just for today. 
 Absolutely nothing  can prepare you for loosing someone you love so deeply,  much less your own child. Our human logic tell us we the parents are to leave this world first, and I can assure you no matter how strong your faith in God is and how focus your perspective on the eternal life is, something like this would impact you. To the core. So I want to set the record straight and openly tell you a few things that will enlighten your perception of what really happens in the heart and mind of a bereaved mom (or dad)...What happens in my heart and mind for now.
I'm not OK with what happened or how it happened nor I will ever be, so don't think that by you telling me that I have to understand, and that " things happen for a reason"  something  magically will tweak on my brain to fix me. I'm not crazy nor sick, grief is a process and now I think of it as a lifetime companion. Remember?  The unknown valley I described before...Sure, I grieve with hope and in faith but our human nature can understand just so much, the rest is not meant to be revealed to us on this side of haven. The reality is someday we all get to experience grief in some way or another in this life.

Yes, I'm not the same person I used to be, how can I? Nor I intend to be.
Dr Gordon Livingston wrote:"To try to explain to people that this is the kind of loss that transforms you into a different person, that you will never be the same person you were before this happened, is almost impossible."

I have not giving up on living, but I wasn't given the choice to take on this new reality and it stinks. If you ask me "how I feel" I will be honest and tell you like it is, if I'm having one of those hard days I won't lie or pretend to be alright, one thing this experience has left on me is the desire to be more true to myself and others, not that I wasn't before but again, like I've told you in the beginning of this post  I'm learning to deal with my emotions and the perception from others, I'm learning to stop feeling bad about making people uncomfortable when they sense my pain, I'm trying to be an open book, I want my new and old friendships and relationships to be based in a reality of who I am, and if someone can't handle the new me, I wish them farewell. I won't sacrifice or devalue my experience and I won't let anybody take the validation of my pain away.
Yes I do smile, laugh, do my hair and makeup, work, can look great at times, carry on interesting, smart conversations that don't pertain to my loss, I don't have to look crappy to show you my pain, I don't have to prove it,  I carry it with me 24/7.  I have pity parties in which I'm the only guest. Don't worry you won't be invited to those...
Meaningless Platitudes don't work, things like, "you have to keep going because you have your other kids" (I'm aware of that) ", "Are you over the loss of your daughter yet? (Yes, I've been asked that and No I wont ever be. Period.) and the list goes on...The most helpful, honest support words have come in a form of a simple, "I'm here for you", 
"want to walk outside?"

This has been a rocky road, and I know there is so much to learn and I'm a work in progress but this life has a unique way of showing us the path, while we are here. I know one thing for sure, after I finish my race in this sometimes messy unfair but beautiful world, I will be able to look up and say, I didn't give up, because I won't. Even in the middle of this storm I will look for a new rainbow maybe even a “Eunicorn” at the end of it and for a ray of light. If there are shadows there has to be light too.

God's relentless mercy, Eunice's smile and bright spirit are leading my way forward. Always.

Much Love,

Claudia